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The Pain of Transitions

As an ex-teacher, I know what I have said to families at the beginning of a school year - the soothing words to help them with their child transitioning into my classroom. Especially when the first day went well, but then the following days - maybe even weeks -  weren't as smooth. The words that were designed to help, to encourage when they approached me with their worry. In some form, they were:

Transition into a new community is not just a single school day - I would assure them.  It is a process that is different for each child. It can take weeks for a child to find their place in a classroom. And just because that process is long, doesn't mean things aren't going well or as planned. At school, your child is engaged in the curriculum, smiling, busy showing a peer their new shoes. But at the same time they are also feeling unsure, feeling that this is new, wondering what is expected of them, and hoping that they are doing their best for you and for me. Both of those feelings are real - and normal. What is wonderful is that each day they spend in school they will feel more like themselves, and be more themselves within our community. For some kids this process is fast - and for others this can take a long time - but it happens for everyone.

I thought my speech was helpful. It was definitely well intentioned and true - from my perspective as a classroom teacher.

But then I became a parent. With a kid who "transitions poorly".

Ours is the child that every year the transition into her classroom is a struggle. And one of the MANY things I didn't know as a teacher without kids was the OTHER side of the transition to school - what the child is doing and saying at home that fuels the quick-starting fire of parental worry. With mine, she will worry - about every detail - of the first day for weeks in advance. It will impact her sleeping, her eating, her ability to focus. She will become emotional with the smallest, even routine, challenge. Play dates become difficult because her flexibility and happy nature isn't available (not even via appointment). And in the morning, every, single, morning, she will refuse to go to school. She did this in Kindergarten. She did this in first grade. And we are experiencing it again in second grade.

So I know, because this is our third year of this, that my daughter will eventually transition to her new classroom. I know that she will love school, love her new teacher, make new friends. She has successfully transitioned every year. I know that it just takes time for her - just like it does for many children. Yet today (like last year, like the year before) my stomach is in knots, my heart hurts, and I am on the verge of tears. Watching her every night (and morning) miss her old teacher, miss her old friends, miss her routines - watching her in pain - is so powerfully hard for her and for me.

As a classroom teacher I had a front row seat to each child transitioning to school. I saw how it was easier for them - each day. I saw the amazing process of growing up.  But I didn't as clearly see the other side which is - growth is hard. The growing pains that are a part of any child becoming taller, more capable, more experienced. It is a difficult thing to watch my daughter go through them - and almost impossible not to want to heal them - to quickly erase the pain with some salve (cupcakes maybe? a new dress?). And the more extreme thoughts are there, ready to jump in and intrude if I let them. Maybe this isn't the right teacher for her. A new school - that would solve this problem. My brain keeps searching for a way to interrupt this process - to keep her safe and to return her to stasis.

My past words as a teacher come back to me during these times. I think what I would add now is that this pain - this unbearable pain for your child and for you - is so important. It is a part of moving forward - a part of becoming a big kid. It is hard to watch, and harder still not to step in and fix it. But after it is over,  your child will be more capable and confident. More self-aware and self-assured. They will have grown.

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Back-to-school transitions can take over the family during the first month (or two) of school. As a teacher and a parent, I know that often children in a new classroom are using all their energy to "do a good job" at school - and then they come home and fall apart for you - the parent. And what is especially difficult, as the parent, is figuring out when you need some help with your child's transition to their new classroom.

(1) Start with awareness and observation. Watch how your child is doing each day and whether environmental changes support their morning transition to school. This could include an earlier bedtime, a heartier snack during the day, less activities after school, or certain morning routines. Here are some perspectives on routines that support many children starting their school day on the right foot:


http://www.raisinghappiness.com/community/blog/2012/09/happiness-tip-stick-with-your-routine/

http://www.parentdish.co.uk/back-to-school/after-school-grumpy-children-advice-for-parents/?a_dgi=aolshare_twitter

Also, if it helps you, track in a journal how each day has gone and rate the morning in terms of difficulty in transitioning. Sometimes bad mornings can feel like they have been happening forever when really they are getting better day by day (just a little). A journal can sometimes help us as parents refocus ourselves on the positive growth - rather than only experiencing and reflecting on the negative part of transitioning.

(2) Wait. Transitions take time - so don't bombard the teacher with your concerns until at least three school weeks have gone by. Think about you starting a new job. It takes time for anyone to feel comfortable in a new setting - to figure out where to go to get the materials you need, who is the best person to sit next to at lunch, with who is a good person to help you with a problem.

While you are waiting though, build in time for your child that is quiet and nourishing. For my child, that is time at home reading a book with us or drawing at her art table. For your child, it might be a visit to your local park or a long bath at night. Any activities that add onto their long day "at work" should be considered with caution and balanced with down time. Sometimes even fun activities can add to your child's sense of stress and change, so be wary of over scheduling.


(3) Then - check in. If the transition is particularly difficult (and is lasting a while), talk to your child's teacher to check in to see how the transition is going on their end and if they have any recommendations for you. Be prepared for advice that might be hard to implement  - like an earlier bedtime, or getting to school 15 minutes earlier for more time on the playground, or that maybe...it might be better for Dad to do the morning drop off for awhile. Follow the advice religiously for at least a week before checking back in with your teacher - and track the improvement in your journal to see if there is any positive changes from the shift.

(4) Try, try again. If the advice isn't working - then it might be time for a longer conference with your child's teacher. Remember to schedule it in advance - this isn't a playground conversation - and have time to brainstorm and work collaboratively with your child's teacher to find solutions. Maybe there is something in the classroom environment causing anxiety - or maybe there is a routine that your child needs at home that could use some tweaking. Come to the meeting with a problem-solving, open attitude - and you can both work together to find a way to support your child.

Starting the season ahead!

As I was busily entering school tour dates into our company's website, I had a small moment of panic. ACK! It is school selection season soon! BUT IT IS STILL SUMMER, my head screamed!

After a few deep breaths, I realized that I will be prepared. This summer I have been busily gathering everything that I could need to help families through this hard, stressful season -  including preparing a great (and FREE) presentation on September 29th on choosing a "best fit" school for your child.

But - if you are the kind of person who likes to think ahead (like me), here is an old post to get you off on the right foot. Nice and early.

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Looking for a school can be very overwhelming - and time consuming. Wondering what to do when? To help, we have organized key action items that will assist your family in a public, private/parochial, and charter school search. (Note to Non-Bay Area families: this list may help you, but double check time lines with your district and independent schools organizations to make sure they match our estimates.)

Here is a month-by-month list of activities to help you organize your school search: 

August

• Brainstorm with your partner, close friend, mother, etc. what are the most important things you are looking for in a school. Think about this from your perspective (what will make you feel comfortable that your child is getting a good education) and from the viewpoint of your child (what type of setting do they do well in?) 

• Start your research as soon as possible: Start doing Internet and word-of-mouth research on schools of interest. Places to start in the Bay Area are: 

www.greatschools.org

www.parents.berkeley.edu

www.ebisaca.org

www.nais.org

www.capenet.org

Check out up-and-coming educational search site www.noodle.org

Don't forget the websites of the schools themselves - they are full of great information.

Last, but not least, talk to friends, family, chatting with people you meet in the park - people love to talk about their impressions about schools - listen to them, but do other research to back up their thoughts. 

• If your child is applying to a private middle school (or high school), they will probably need to take the ISEE or the SSAT. Go to http://erblearn.org/parents/admission/isee or http://www.ssat.org/ssat/info/home.html to find out when the testing dates for this year are and register.

September

• Talk to your child’s preschool (or previous) teacher(s). Ask them: 

--Their impressions of what kind of program would be beneficial for your child. 

--Is my child ready for....? Knowing early in the year whether your child needs extra support to be ready for the next grade can be critical in selecting a school and getting them the support they need. 

--What schools have other families attended - and spoke positively about? 

--Would they be willing to write a teacher recommendation (required by most private schools) for your child? If so, what time frame would be most helpful for them (you don’t want your teacher to rush through your child’s recommendation). 

• Request admissions and financial aid material for private/parochial schools of interest online or via phone. Most schools will have their tour schedule up at this time - but a few won’t. If there are some “must see” schools on your list, request that you be informed of tour times once they are scheduled. 

• Create a place to keep all your information gathered about various schools to stay organized throughout the school selection season. 

• Schedule study time for the ISEE for your middle school or high school student. (See above.)

October

• This is when tours, open houses, and information nights for private/parochial schools begin in earnest - schedule them and attend. While you want to collect good information, don’t overwhelm yourself by doing all your touring in October - you can tour in November, and in December too. Spread it out.

Remember: Take notes during each tour and organize any information you receive at a tour with your application materials. You don’t want to be searching for your notes on “school A” at the last minute before your application is due. 

Idea: Take some pictures on your school tours with your handy smart phone. Most schools won’t let you take pictures of children - but they will let you take pictures of the outside of the school, the hallway, an empty classroom, etc. Pictures may help you remember one school versus another when they all start to blur in your memory in January.

• Information fairs for independent schools - where you can talk to representatives from a variety of schools in the Bay Area at one time - occur during this month. Check the EBISA website for this year’s fair date and location.  

• Middle schoolers and older need to finish studying and take the ISEE. See above for more information.

Click here for November through March - you, early planner you!

With Your Last Bit of Energy - Prioritize

Coming towards the end of the school touring season here in the Bay Area, I am reminded how exhausting the school selection process is for families. If you are reading this blog - and you are in the middle of choosing a school for your child - take a deep breath, get yourself a cup of tea and relax for a moment.  After all the touring, sifting through online information, reading brochures, having endless conversations with friends and strangers - you are almost done and deserve a moment to yourself to recoup.

Do you want more than a moment though? Then I have a suggestion.  Use your last bit of energy to prioritize.

I understand the drive to see one more school, read one more article, or talk to one more person in this process, especially here in the Bay Area where we have a wealth of options.  As a consultant, I have seen 40+ schools in the East Bay Area this season - and there is plenty more to see. I deeply understand the need to be thorough, the intense drive to find the best possible school setting for your child because that is what brought me to my work in the first place. But instead of spreading yourself thinner, now is a fabulous time to prioritize.  Do less and get more from your school selection time. Sound too good to be true? Here is the plan:

If you have read this blog before, you know I am big on figuring out your key values in your school selection.  If you haven't before, now (meaning, yesterday) is a critical time to start.  If you know what are the most important aspects of a school setting to you (and your partner), to your child as a learner, and to your daily family life then you can start to eliminate schools based on those priorities. However, if you are trying to compare 15 schools on 39 different qualities...you are going to get real tired, real quickly, and possibly fail at the task.

(1) Start with figuring out what is most important to you in a school -  your must haves in a in school setting. You can pick a library and a librarian, or weekly Spanish class - great. Or you could pick a strong PTA, or a kind and thoughtful school principal. Whatever you pick -  pick three.  Yes - three. The most important ones. The ones that without them, you couldn't in good conscience drop your child off at school each day. The ones that will give you peace of mind and faith that something good is happening with your child each day.

(2) Then, think about your kid. What do they like to do? What are they interested in? What kind of teacher or teaching do they respond to? What kind of setting brings out the best in them? Wouldn't it be great if the school you selected had some of those qualities? Pick three. Pick the three qualities that, without them, your child might not see school as a great place to be everyday.

(3) Now delve into the practical. What can't you do as a family in choosing a school? Maybe you can't drive 30 minutes each way to go to school everyday. Possibly (just possibly) you can't afford a $20,000 tuition for private school next year. Maybe you need an aftercare program, and the school you love doesn't have one. Whatever your boundaries are - figure them out. Pick the two most important, the ones that without them in place, your family life would get pretty rough.

Now, with your last bit of mental energy, look at your schools that you have seen under the lens of these eight characteristics. Just the eight. Don't think about the amazing tennis program or the new recess playground, or the up and coming test scores...unless those qualities were one of your eight "must have" characteristics.

Now you can compare and contrast. In doing so, if you come up with a clear front-runner - wonderful. Focus your energies in getting into that school.  However, if you don't, you might have more digging to do in terms of school research.  But do your digging with your key eight in mind (pushing to the side the other 29 possible characteristics), so you can sift through information with focus, not frenzy.

Good luck to everyone in the New Year!

BUSD Kindergarten Information Night Recap

Tonight I attended a Berkeley Public Schools Kindergarten Information night along with about 150 other families. I was really impressed by the candor and quiet humor of Admissions director Francisco Martinez - he handled the questions of the crowd really well.

Some highlights of the evening:

• The rationale regarding the lottery system in BUSD was reviewed along with the current boundaries. The attendance zones are published on the berkeleyschools.net website, but a minor tweak to the boundaries from two years ago is that Malcolm X is considered both a Central and Northwest zoned school, and Berkeley Arts Magnet is considered both a Southeast and Central zoned school due to enrollment needs. 

• I was impressed by the clarity in which the thinking behind the zones was expressed. Basically, the district looked at parental education levels, family income levels, and ethnicity throughout the city and created attendance areas given those demographic factors. Thinking about creating diverse and integrated schools - while giving families choice - as families enroll, they assign each family a "diversity score" which simply reflects where you live. For example, I have a diversity score of 2, because I live in North Berkeley below MLK - it doesn't have anything to do with the actual education, income, or ethnicity of my family. Then, families are assigned to schools based on creating a balance of diversity scores (1 (hills), 2 (middle/central Berkeley), or 3 (flatlands)) at each school. This is all done by a computer in under three minutes!

• Children are assigned within the lottery by these priorities: 
• All children already enrolled are placed first (to maintain their "seat" in their current school)
• Siblings are enrolled next to keep families together at schools as much as possible
• Families who are choosing schools in their attendance zone
• Families who are chosen schools outside their attendance zone (this was not recommended throughout the talk)
• Finally, non-BUSD residents applying for spaces are given an opportunity if spaces still exist

• Mr. Martinez clarified that this is a highly computerized system that doesn't allow for individual biases, preferences, etc. MANY families asked about different ways of increasing their chances at receiving certain school assignments - and the answer to these questions was very clear.  While many families proposed more complicated theories, the district stated these are the only factors that assist with receiving a school of your choice.  

• Apply within the timeline - forms are due February 3rd, 2012 this year. 
• Applying in the attendance zone in which you live gives you a greater chance of being assigned your top three choices (due to the lottery priorities noted above).
• Write in all three choices as asked on the form - or the computer randomizes your choice that you left blank for you. 
• If you are interested in your child attending a two-way immersion program and they are not a Limited English Proficient learner (meaning, English is their native language and they speak it fluently) there are only 30 seats district wide. That isn't many - three to five times as many families as seats apply to this program yearly. If this is of interest to your family, Mr. Martinez recommended highly that you apply to the two-way immersion program  in your attendance area.  He stated that there is almost no way (statistically) to be assigned to a two-way immersion program outside your attendance area.
• However, if you want to try to get into an immersion program, feel free. That lottery is run first, before the "regular" lottery. The children are assigned to those programs and then, if they did not get a seat, are put through the regular lottery system using your other listed preferences on the enrollment form.
• There is a higher likelihood of getting into a school that is larger in your attendance area, than one than is smaller.  There are simply more seats available.

•  Waiting lists were discussed. Once your family as received your assignment, you have two weeks to request being placed on waiting lists for schools of your choice. 
• You can be on as many waiting lists as you would like at any time.
• Each waiting list is different. You could be #1 on one list and #150 on another.
• It isn't first come, first serve. You are placed on a list based on your diversity score and based on the priorities list above. Again, you are most likely to be placed higher on a waiting list in your attendance zone than outside your attendance zone.

•  Mr. Martinez addressed the concerns that BUSD has many children attending who do not live in Berkeley. He noted: 
• The district always asks for proof of residence, but proof can be forged.
• However, the district does allow children to attend BUSD who have a guardian who works for the district. This is allowed via their contract. 
• Intradistrict transfers are also allowed for some special education students on a case-by-case basis. 
• BUSD does also allow some other non-Berkeley families to attend due to "extenuating circumstances", but this is rarely granted and a seat needs to be available and not needed for a Berkeley resident. 

• Mr. Martinez concluded that if families have any questions, they should feel free to contact the admissions office for advice at 510-644-6504. 

Hope our brief summary is helpful. Post comments and questions below!

The School Tour

Sadly, I just read that the longest a blog post should be is 500 words. Sigh. Definitely not my specialty. 

Here is the thing - I figure that people who read this blog are: (1) Kind friends who read my blog in case I ask them about my blog, and don’t want to say that they haven’t read it, or (2) People who want to know what a fifteen-year educator knows about school selection. If you are the #2 kind of person - sorry for my wordiness, but it is hard to be succinct when you are passionate about something. If you are the #1 kind - I love you and you can be excused for today.

So before I launch into a diatribe about the critical nature of the school tour - let’s review. I am hoping that before you go into that next school tour you have talked with your partner/friend/significant other about your key educational values and your child’s critical needs in a school setting. If you have read this blog before, you might be gathering that I am obsessive about this point - and will return to it as often as necessary. (Read here and here if you don’t believe me.)

Without having this base, you are looking at a school without a focus. This can lead to distractions becoming a part of your school search. For instance: 

--The “bright and shiny things” distraction. These are school amenities or programs that are available at a given school - but they may not contribute to the school in a way that is important to your family or your child. If you go into a school without your key values explicitly articulated, it is easy to be distracted by the new computer lab, the tennis courts, or the Nepalese bilingual immersion program.  These could be amazing contributors to your child’s education - or they could take away from other programs that are deeply important to your family or your child. Something to think about is that even the schools with the most money and most resources have to make choices about where and how they focus those resources - they can't fund everything equally. Schools have to prioritize - as do families. 

--The “personable people” distraction. Some schools have amazing admissions directors, heads of school, dynamic PTA leaders - and thank goodness for them. However, one person does not a school make. While I do think that principals/heads of school are important to the overall school climate and teaching atmosphere, it is important to find out how much that person you admire and connect with is involved in the children’s day-to-day lives at the school. What does their influence contribute to the school? The head of school may make you cry with joy when he talks about early childhood development, but he might not have much day-to-day contact with the teachers at the school. Also, it is important to know if having an enthusiastic head of school is important to you - or are there other things higher up on your priority list. It is important to decide before the personable people persuade you to sign up for a school that, in the end, doesn't match your needs. 

--The "my best friend says" distraction. While other people's opinions, impressions, thoughts, etc. about schools you are looking at are important to hear - please don't let them choose for you. I recently spoke to a mom who did not consider a school for her child because her mother had negative things to say about it. Later, in desperation, she was convinced to look at the school and found it was exactly what she was looking for her children - and brought her mom on another tour later. Turns out that her mom had never seen the school either, but had "heard things" - which shaped her opinion. We all "hear" things about schools. Some of them are objectively true, some were true several years ago (but aren't true any more), and some are only subjectively true - they are true depending on who is doing the looking. Don't let other people sway you from checking out a school that seems like it matches your values. They are looking at the school from their value-colored lens...not from yours. 

O.K. - so what do we do to keep from getting distracted while we are on the school tour? 

(1) Have your top educational priorities written down in front of you for each school tour, to minimize the “bright and shiny” effect of certain tours. Check them off as you see them in the school and note how they are demonstrated. Are people just telling you that the school has "active learning" approach - or did you see the children in the classrooms participating actively with your own eyes. Write down your evidence and track it as you go through the tour. Then, later you can compare and contrast actual data on "active learning" (and other key priorities) between school sites when you are making your choice. 

(2) Craft your questions about the school in advance of the tour and create a "form" that you fill out at each tour when you get your answers.  Try to make sure you ask the same questions at each tour so you can compare apples to apples when the time comes. 

Note: Don't be afraid to ask a question. Any question. They should be ready for you or they should get back to you quickly. If they aren't ready for a question about school diversity, or teacher training, or school finance stability, then you have your answer...it's not on their radar.

(3) Give yourself time, space, and care to be a good observer. Going into a school tour tired, hungry, stressed, anxious, or with an infant in tow, will color your experience of the school. Also, sadly, it will impair your ability to observe the setting. If you can, get a good nights rest, have breakfast, and drop your youngest off at your mom's house. Do what you can to be a focused observer with a calm and open mind. 

(4) If you can, have someone else go and look either with you or at a different time. If you have a partner, send them on a different tour (with the same priority-based checklist) and see what they see. If you are doing this alone, go twice to the schools that are in your top three choices. Having multiple experiences with the same place will help double-check your first impression of the place and give you more data to compare and contrast. 

(5) Note the red flags. I feel like these are probably different depending on who you are, but my red flags are dirty bathrooms or hallways (signs of not great management of staff and/or disorganization); extremely messy classrooms (either an unprepared teacher or one with not enough support to organize a little throughout the week); a shouting teacher (stress and school climate issues); and unfriendly support staff (again, a hiring and management issue - also a sign of an unhappy working environment). One family I know saw a rat at a school tour...and that was their red flag. Everyone has theirs - articulate them and write them down if you see them.  

Note: If it is a "yellow flag" (something you see that bothers you just a little), still write it down and your feelings about it. What you observed might become an important deciding factor later when it is time to choose.

These are my tricks - what are yours? What are you looking for on your tours? How do you organize yourself? Post below and let me know what you think!

Your Gut and School Selection

There are two common responses when I tell someone that I am an educational consultant that helps families find schools that meet their needs.

(1) The horror story: The person will launch into a tale of someone they knew who had a horrible experience with X school or Y preschool and how they could have really used someone like me at the time.

(2) The why-you-aren't-needed story: (I don't take this personally - really.) The well-meaning person will tell me, "Well, you just know when you know. You know?  Finding a school - it is all gut instinct. You see it - and you know if it will work for your family."

While I don't want to dismiss someone listening to their gut outright when it comes to school selection (there is definitely a place for it) - I want to challenge this idea because, interestingly enough, the "horror story" responders? They often listened to their gut and went into a school situation without looking hard enough at the fit between the school and their child and family.

The thing is - the American Family is busy. Way too busy. And don't get me started on Bay Area parents - we are busy to the nth power...on speed. It would be great if this was the 1970s where you sent your child to the local public school and things just worked out. It was simple*.  Like the advice of "listening to your gut". It simplifies a complex decision making process. It calms worried, busy families. It says, "Go to the tours, but the other, hard work - like figuring out what is most important to your child and your family, and then finding it - that work isn't needed. Your instinct will lead the way."

Our instincts - our gut reaction - are shaped by so many things. Count them with me - our mood, our energy level, our health, what other people told us we should feel or think, our past experiences (which could be related and relevant - or not), our schedule on a given day (busy or calm), our relationships (in conflict or in peace), the conversation we just had with our mother-in-law in the car....so many things can influence how we look at a school at any given time. Our gut is malleable - like cornstarch and water mixed together. Our gut reaction to an experience at any given time might not uphold and prioritize our deeply held values regarding that experience the way we would like it to - it is based (a heck of a lot) in our emotional state.

Here is the hard truth. You wouldn't buy a house on just your gut instinct, right? Home ownership is a major investment and most families treat it as such. We research potential neighborhoods with care. We attend open house after open house. We wonder,  what is the community like - and ask multiple people for their perspective.  We question - can we afford a house in that area? We consider how we feel about "fixing up" a property - and putting our energy into making more than it was? We think about nearby amenities - do we want access to public transportation? Or is green space more important to our family? Maybe if we need help, we hire a real estate agent to help us find exactly what we are looking for.

I hope you get where I am going with this. With any major investment, most of us carefully think about our family's needs and values before diving in - because choosing a school is a long-term decision will support (or impact) your family for years to come. Your choice for your child's first school environment needs the same attention.

In the end, we do use our instincts to purchase the house or choose the school. But hopefully, we use our gut as only one data point among many to make the best choice possible - to avoid the horror story.

*It wasn't really. Remember? A lot of us were miserable in school. There were just fewer choices.