Is It Transition - Or Is Your School Not Working for Your Kid?

I just dropped my child off at first grade. We are in our third week of school, and Lily is still crying when I drop her off. When we drop her off at her school that we painstakingly, hand-picked for her two years before. When we drop her off to the SAME classroom with the SAME teacher she was with last year (it's a K-1 class). She is still crying and clinging - on day twelve. To be honest, I cry too, later, when she can't see me. The waterworks were on today especially because she woke up saying the dreaded words - the words that no 15-year educator/mommy with a master's degree focusing on social-emotional development wants to hear -  "I HATE school!  I don't want to go!"


It is a horrible thing to watch your child have difficultly transitioning to school - and even more horrible still when you don't have a great teacher who calls you when your child has calmed down and started participating happily in the routines of the class. But how do you tell the difference between your child in transition - or child's classroom (or their school) isn't working for them? What (and who) helps you make that call?


(1) Look at the situation - the WHOLE situation: What else is going on in the life of your child?Meaning, is there a change in your child's classroom - or their day -  that could be contributing to greater anxiety or difficulty coping in school? Some changes that might impact a child's ability to dive into school with a positive mindset are:

•  Did you child just transition to a new teacher? A new classroom? A new school? Are there transitions happening at home? 

Transitions and their impact on children are seriously minimized in our society. We think that kids should just go with the flow and adjust to their new surroundings because, to be honest, us parents need them to for our over-scheduled , over-demanding days to work out OK. But transitions are really hard on children - even the ones that we think should be "good". In our family, instead of me working a full-time plus, stressful job, I am starting a business and working at home. I can pick my daughter up after school instead of her going to aftercare. We can have play dates in the park. We can hang out together. This is good, right?


It is - but it is also a change. It means that there is less predictability in our schedule. It means that she might not be quite sure what we are doing when school is done each day (even though I tell her). It also means that she, in her little world, could be with me at home during the day. (Wouldn't that be great, mom?) Our family is in transition - and that is impacting how Lily feels about the safety and predictability of her world.

• Are there changes in expectations at the new grade level that your child might have difficulty with? 

Things change from one grade level to another. No surprise to us grown-ups, who understand the system, but it might be a little bit of a surprise to the kiddos out there. They just got used to one classroom. It was familiar, it was predictable - they knew what they had to do to meet the expectations of the day...and now there is first grade...or second grade...or seventh grade.  The bar moves, and today, it moves even more quickly than it ever did before. Maybe your child is reacting to the increase of expectations (behavioral or academic) in the new setting. If so, maybe talking with your child's teacher (see below) might help allay some of their fears about not succeeding in the new setting or help you to focus on supporting your child's academic success at home. Children - like us - need to feel competent and successful in order to approach a task with their best self. Help them feel that way.

• How are their friendships? Any shifts in the social group in the new classroom? 

How do you feel when you walk into a room a strangers? Some of you probably answered that question with a "GREAT! It is a fantastic opportunity to meet exciting people who could become my newest friend!"  But if any of you are like my daughter (and me), your stomach just dropped. For some of us, making new friends is really hard - and stress inducing. And for people like us, having to manage "being social" with new people every day for six hours a day, five days a week...well, it makes you want to climb back under the covers when the alarm clock goes off. Knowing your child (see below) helps in emotionally supporting them with the new social landscape and talking with their teacher  (step #2 below) can give you the information to help them navigate it. A simple play date with a potential new school friend can help your child become more confident with their friendship in the classroom, and might get them over the transition hump - and out of the bed in the morning.  

• Are they hungry - maybe they are in a growth spurt and need a bigger breakfast? Are they getting enough sleep?

Maybe your child is different, but my child really doesn't know when she is hungry or tired - when she is REALLY hungry or tired. These things impact children's emotional state and their ability to meet the challenges of the day in a rosy manner. Check their eating and sleeping habits, because they can change surprisingly and unpredictably. Maybe your non-breakfast eater really does need to have some breakfast to improve their mood - when they didn't last year. Maybe that new, later bedtime needs to be re-adjusted back because they are waking up exhausted each day. Check in with your child's overall wellness and give them what they need. More sleep, more breakfast, more down time with the family, play dates with a new friend...give it to them. Even if it means moving things around a little bit and changing routines. It will help. 

So, if you went through the above list and said - yep, yep, check, and check - then your child is in transition. The good news is your child's behavior is temporary - and it probably isn't the school or the classroom. The bad news is transition takes time. For some kids, transition requires a few days of adjustment. For others....well, it is more than 12 days. 

But let's say you don't think it is a transition for your kid. Day 30 of the new classroom has passed, there are no major changes at home and you are waking up in the middle of the night. Your gut tells you that there might be a bigger problem. Then - 

(2) Talk to your child's teacher:  Calling your child's teacher and making an appointment to discuss your concerns is critical in understanding the full extent of the problem and the teacher's take on the situation. He or she is with your child for six hours (or more) a day. They know stuff. When you sit down at the appointment (don't catch them "on the fly" or you will get an "off the cuff" response), have your key questions ready. And as you ask your questions, you have to do something really hard.


Listen.


When you open up a discussion about your concerns about your child at school, you can get a variety of responses. The response might be exactly what you want to hear. And it might be everything that you feared. Mostly, it will be somewhere in between.


I am not saying you have to take what this person as saying as the whole truth (and nothing but) - but they do have a perspective. A perspective based on direct observation of your kid, experience with lots of other types of kids (other than just yours), and a long-term view of what happens in these situations down the road in school. Their perspective includes (consciously or unconsciously) knowledge of how that school (their work environment) handles and supports children with these types of concerns in the classroom. The teacher's perspective is rich - and will give you key information.


But, lets say, for sake of argument, that you have a first-year teacher, or a teacher who's general outlook on kids doesn't really seem to match your own. Still sit down with them - and listen.


The teacher's perspective also shapes how they interact with your child at school. How they view your kid. How they support your kid - how they support others. You can hear what is stressful for them ("well, we have 30 kids in the room this year - that is hard to manage"). You can hear what their beliefs are ("I find that boys just need to work it out without interference from adults"). You can hear what they think is needed for the room to succeed ("if we just had a room parent to organize volunteers during reading..."). You can hear what they think you should be doing differently ("what - me?") All those messages give you information about the teacher, the classroom and the school -  and how it might be impacting your child.


It can be hard to hear. It is hard not to be defensive. Extremely hard not to dismiss. We are all busting our backsides to be good parents. It can be really difficult to hear that we need to do another thing to support our child or their classroom. That we need to stretch ourselves thinner to make things work out OK.


But you have to hear it in order to be able to formulate your own thinking and create a game plan. That game plan should take what the school is saying about your child as a data point - a serious one. Ideally, the school can help you formulate a plan to support your child through their struggles and you can work as a team with the teacher to help your child through the year.


But - what if you don't like the plan proposed?  Or what if you tried the plan (you really tried the plan) - and it doesn't seem to be working? Then you go the next step.


(3) Make your own plan: You know your child best. Lots of people say this to families - but we, as parents, need to know that deep down, we know when our child is loving life - and when they are struggling. If our gut is telling you that your child is not thriving at school, to formulate next steps you need to:

• Figure out what is needed: A better connection with his classroom teacher? More individualized teaching? More hands-on, project time in the classroom? More active learning opportunities? If you aren't sure, volunteering in the classroom is one way to find out. Watch to see where they are having the most trouble. Or -  ask your kiddo. Depending on their age, they might not be able to tell you exactly what is lacking from their education, but they can tell you what they like about school and what they don't like. 

• Is the problem temporary or...? Sometimes difficulty in a classroom is temporary; a substitute teacher for a month could be stressful for a child, but the problem will go away - in a month. Peer friction? It could, and probably will, pass. But sometimes the root source of the problem is long-term; a school's focus on test prep might interfere with plans for hands-on learning.  Maybe your school just cut recess, and your active learner is struggling. Determining whether the problem is permanent part of the school landscape -  or a temporary shift - can help you determine whether action is needed. 

• Could the school help? Are there opportunities for your child that you can access at school? After-school sports programs to help support his activity level? Academic support in a smaller group setting? Ask your teacher, your school administrator, or other parents in the community to find out. Communicating what your child needs to be successful can go a long way in making sure their needs are met daily at school.

• Figure out your options:  I am the last person to advocate a school change, especially for a young child.  But if your problem is of a permanent nature and you aren't finding allies at school in solving the difficulty - then checking out your school choice options might be a next step in determining what other environments could better meet his or her needs. Do this sooner, rather than later. Many districts "options windows" are small (as are application deadlines for charter and private schools) and having a "Plan B" never hurts.