The Pain of Transitions

As an ex-teacher, I know what I have said to families at the beginning of a school year - the soothing words to help them with their child transitioning into my classroom. Especially when the first day went well, but then the following days - maybe even weeks -  weren't as smooth. The words that were designed to help, to encourage when they approached me with their worry. In some form, they were:

Transition into a new community is not just a single school day - I would assure them.  It is a process that is different for each child. It can take weeks for a child to find their place in a classroom. And just because that process is long, doesn't mean things aren't going well or as planned. At school, your child is engaged in the curriculum, smiling, busy showing a peer their new shoes. But at the same time they are also feeling unsure, feeling that this is new, wondering what is expected of them, and hoping that they are doing their best for you and for me. Both of those feelings are real - and normal. What is wonderful is that each day they spend in school they will feel more like themselves, and be more themselves within our community. For some kids this process is fast - and for others this can take a long time - but it happens for everyone.

I thought my speech was helpful. It was definitely well intentioned and true - from my perspective as a classroom teacher.

But then I became a parent. With a kid who "transitions poorly".

Ours is the child that every year the transition into her classroom is a struggle. And one of the MANY things I didn't know as a teacher without kids was the OTHER side of the transition to school - what the child is doing and saying at home that fuels the quick-starting fire of parental worry. With mine, she will worry - about every detail - of the first day for weeks in advance. It will impact her sleeping, her eating, her ability to focus. She will become emotional with the smallest, even routine, challenge. Play dates become difficult because her flexibility and happy nature isn't available (not even via appointment). And in the morning, every, single, morning, she will refuse to go to school. She did this in Kindergarten. She did this in first grade. And we are experiencing it again in second grade.

So I know, because this is our third year of this, that my daughter will eventually transition to her new classroom. I know that she will love school, love her new teacher, make new friends. She has successfully transitioned every year. I know that it just takes time for her - just like it does for many children. Yet today (like last year, like the year before) my stomach is in knots, my heart hurts, and I am on the verge of tears. Watching her every night (and morning) miss her old teacher, miss her old friends, miss her routines - watching her in pain - is so powerfully hard for her and for me.

As a classroom teacher I had a front row seat to each child transitioning to school. I saw how it was easier for them - each day. I saw the amazing process of growing up.  But I didn't as clearly see the other side which is - growth is hard. The growing pains that are a part of any child becoming taller, more capable, more experienced. It is a difficult thing to watch my daughter go through them - and almost impossible not to want to heal them - to quickly erase the pain with some salve (cupcakes maybe? a new dress?). And the more extreme thoughts are there, ready to jump in and intrude if I let them. Maybe this isn't the right teacher for her. A new school - that would solve this problem. My brain keeps searching for a way to interrupt this process - to keep her safe and to return her to stasis.

My past words as a teacher come back to me during these times. I think what I would add now is that this pain - this unbearable pain for your child and for you - is so important. It is a part of moving forward - a part of becoming a big kid. It is hard to watch, and harder still not to step in and fix it. But after it is over,  your child will be more capable and confident. More self-aware and self-assured. They will have grown.

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Back-to-school transitions can take over the family during the first month (or two) of school. As a teacher and a parent, I know that often children in a new classroom are using all their energy to "do a good job" at school - and then they come home and fall apart for you - the parent. And what is especially difficult, as the parent, is figuring out when you need some help with your child's transition to their new classroom.

(1) Start with awareness and observation. Watch how your child is doing each day and whether environmental changes support their morning transition to school. This could include an earlier bedtime, a heartier snack during the day, less activities after school, or certain morning routines. Here are some perspectives on routines that support many children starting their school day on the right foot:


http://www.raisinghappiness.com/community/blog/2012/09/happiness-tip-stick-with-your-routine/

http://www.parentdish.co.uk/back-to-school/after-school-grumpy-children-advice-for-parents/?a_dgi=aolshare_twitter

Also, if it helps you, track in a journal how each day has gone and rate the morning in terms of difficulty in transitioning. Sometimes bad mornings can feel like they have been happening forever when really they are getting better day by day (just a little). A journal can sometimes help us as parents refocus ourselves on the positive growth - rather than only experiencing and reflecting on the negative part of transitioning.

(2) Wait. Transitions take time - so don't bombard the teacher with your concerns until at least three school weeks have gone by. Think about you starting a new job. It takes time for anyone to feel comfortable in a new setting - to figure out where to go to get the materials you need, who is the best person to sit next to at lunch, with who is a good person to help you with a problem.

While you are waiting though, build in time for your child that is quiet and nourishing. For my child, that is time at home reading a book with us or drawing at her art table. For your child, it might be a visit to your local park or a long bath at night. Any activities that add onto their long day "at work" should be considered with caution and balanced with down time. Sometimes even fun activities can add to your child's sense of stress and change, so be wary of over scheduling.


(3) Then - check in. If the transition is particularly difficult (and is lasting a while), talk to your child's teacher to check in to see how the transition is going on their end and if they have any recommendations for you. Be prepared for advice that might be hard to implement  - like an earlier bedtime, or getting to school 15 minutes earlier for more time on the playground, or that maybe...it might be better for Dad to do the morning drop off for awhile. Follow the advice religiously for at least a week before checking back in with your teacher - and track the improvement in your journal to see if there is any positive changes from the shift.

(4) Try, try again. If the advice isn't working - then it might be time for a longer conference with your child's teacher. Remember to schedule it in advance - this isn't a playground conversation - and have time to brainstorm and work collaboratively with your child's teacher to find solutions. Maybe there is something in the classroom environment causing anxiety - or maybe there is a routine that your child needs at home that could use some tweaking. Come to the meeting with a problem-solving, open attitude - and you can both work together to find a way to support your child.