Hello to all - and so sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I have been very busy this season helping families and speaking at a variety of schools in the East Bay - which has been a wonderful experience.
One of the schools I presented at - Mills College Children's School, a PreK-5 school on the Mills campus - took a video of me giving a presentation to their fifth grade families about middle school selection. It was a surprise to be video taped (I would have pick a different outfit or went to get my hair cut if I had known), but I think the content could be really helpful to families looking for a middle school. Here it is if you would like to watch it.
Let me know what you think!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
We Could Do A Better Job at This
As an educational consultant, a good portion of my time in August is spent talking to families about teacher assignments. This can be heartbreakingly stressful for families, and I am happy to be an ear for people who need it. However, generally in schools (especially public schools) there isn't much control that families have over their child's placement in a classroom at this point in the game - which can be a hard thing for someone to hear, and it isn't my favorite message to deliver.
What echoes through my head mainly this time of year (other than empathy for families) is one message, over and over.
WE COULD DO A MUCH BETTER JOB AT THIS.
What I mean by we is really all of us - parents, teachers, and administrators. I truly believe that student assignment could be done in a way that makes more sense - for everyone. But we would really have to work together, change a few things - and prioritize the needs of children in the process. Sounds good to you? Here's one thought:
Announce the student assignments in early August. Now, I know why many schools don't do this. (1) Class lists can (and do) change in a month's time. New kids can enroll, other kids can leave. Teachers can be hired late in the month. Principals want to give themselves the ability to move kids around if needed at the last minute. And (2) They don't want to give families a huge amount of time to complain about their assignments. If they announce them two days before school (on a Friday afternoon like they do around here), people don't have the opportunity to "express themselves" in this process. It is a win-win for administration - greater flexibility and fewer complaints.
However, this policy is really rough on kids. In most schools in the US, kids have to change classrooms every year, with new relationships to build, new rules to learn, new personalities to navigate, even a new physical environment. It would be like changing departments in a workplace every year for a grown up - except without the adult coping skills to support you in that change. Some kids do this change great. Some kids (lots of kids) are very stressed by the change each year and without knowing what classroom they are in, knowing what friends will be with them, or knowing who their teacher will be. Without any information, we are taking away families' ability's to help children in their transition. We can't show them their classroom. We can't schedule play dates to help them make a new friend. We can't show them a picture of their teacher on the school website. Nothing except help them manage their stress created by the unknown.
This policy is also not super supportive of teachers either, BTW. Every year, the teacher needs to spend time building new relationships with families and kids, understanding social dynamics between children in the classroom, and figuring out past educational histories and what has been done to help - and what hasn't been done. For their special education students, they need to get up to date on each individual student's IEP document, their specialized program, and their support team. This is a huge amount of time to spend every fall. And with the class lists being finalized so late in August, the work gets piled into September - making the beginning of the year a stressful time for everyone.
Here are few thoughts on making this whole situation better, but everyone needs to step up a little. There is a little tough love below - but I think it is worth it.
--To solve "the hiring at the last minute" problem:
Districts could: Start hiring processes earlier in the year to make sure that hiring is completed before August. This can be impacted by union contracts that allow teachers ample time to turn in their letters of resignation, but would could start this process in January or February to allow for everyone (teachers and administrations) to have more time to find new work and hire for the following year. This would take more human resources personnel and administrative support in schools. Which takes money.
Teachers could: Give their notice earlier in the year if they know that they are leaving. It is better for kids, truly.
Families could: Vote for more money to be allocated to schools. Really. Don't argue with me. The lack of money in schools causes so many more problems than most people understand. Having too few, poorly paid HR people makes the hiring in urban districts beyond slow. Better training, better working conditions, and the development of better systems would help smooth the hiring process, which brings great teachers to your kid's school in August.
--To solve the "teachers leaving" problem:
Districts could: Develop teacher retention policies. You don't even hear about that in the news any more. But here's a thought I am bringing back - the creation of policies that support teachers to stay in their schools and grow as professionals, instead of leaving to find a better work environment. This could include increases in salary, but for most of the teachers I know, it is about creating a work environment that is supportive of them growing as professionals - through encouragement, growth mindset thinking, professional development, and having positive, supportive relationships at their site.
Teachers could: Say what you need in order to stay. Given the poor working conditions that many teachers work within, I think that many people feel that it is useless to speak up - to ask for what you need. But how do people know unless you tell them? Maybe there is a grant coming up that would support you in your classroom management skills? Maybe there is a little room in the lead teacher's schedule to observe you and provide feedback? Maybe another staff member could help you with a student that is particularly challenging. Tell people what you need, and maybe they will provide it.
Families could: Take time to emotionally support teachers when you can. This means you see them as individuals partnering with you to support your child. Give them a warm smile in the morning, speak kindly of them to others, bring them a flower from your garden, say thank you to them when they answer a late night email. See them as people with lives - so don't email them at midnight and expect them to have read it and responded by 8 a.m. (They need their sleep.) And if you are feeling not appreciative of your child's teacher at this moment - volunteer in the classroom. Notice what they are doing that is hard, that is interesting, that is complex, that is caring. Notice their intention to teach well, notice what could be stressful for them in their workplace. See things from their perspective before complaining - it will help you advocate in a way that respectful and empathetic, if advocacy is needed.
--To solve the "last minute registration" problem:
Districts could: Advertise and remind people to register their kids earlier in the summer - or spring. I am sure we could get local radio/TV stations involved in this process and make people aware that early registration is better for schools and kids. Oh - and set your registration dates earlier. :) Why can't we do this in June? May? April?
Families could: Register at your new school as soon as you know where your child will be attending. If you are deciding between two schools, or you end up moving in the summertime, please call the school/district you will not be registering your child at this upcoming year. It will help families on the waiting lists and help administrators make better plans for the fall.
--To solve the "families complaining about the class list" problem:
Administrators could: Suck it up a little. Families have every right to express what they think their child needs. They could be right, they could be wrong, they could be crazy. But it is their kid. At the end of the day, they are responsible for who that kid grows up to be. You don't have to change the child's placement - you just have to listen and see if what they are saying makes sense. Set up structures around complaints for keeping you sane (I like this one by ex-Crocker Highland principal Beth Rhine), but open avenues for listening and learning from families.
They could also: Soothe people's concerns by hosting "work days" at the school, so families and kids could meet teachers in person before school starts, or scheduling class potlucks so everyone can get to know one another. Fight for time for teachers to make relationships with families through open houses, home visits, and open door policies. Get your PTA involved to support this process, but the more people get to know one another, the fewer complaints you will get - because people will feel more connected and less worried.
Teachers could: How do I say this.....but, maybe try to be a little bit more friendly? I am sorry. I am not trying to add to your plate. I know why teachers don't smile in the hallway anymore. You are stressed, tired, overworked...and you don't really feel like smiling. But I really think that sometimes people worry about certain teachers because they don't know them. This disconnect can make people feel concerned about sending their kid to you, which continues a cycle which can create a negative school atmosphere. So get to know a few people. Smile in the morning at people in the hall. Talk to someone who isn't in your class. Stop by the PTA bake sale. Help build your community a little - and I think you would be glad you did.
Families could: Know that class placement has one hundred variables that we can't really understand simply by analyzing the class list from our limited perspective as a parent. There are children with special needs, children with complicated family histories - or children with situational stress (like divorce, homelessness, etc.) that schools are trying to support along with everyone else. Everyone who works in education is trying to support all kids - your kid included. And everyone needs a positive classroom setting - not just your kid. So let's all work together as a team on this.
If you are really unsure about your child's class placement, then schedule a few minutes of your principal's time, but seek to understand. Explain your concerns and listen to their thoughts. Advocate for change only if there is a very compelling reason to do so. Sure, it would be nice if Susie was in class with her best friend - but she will make new friends and see Susie at recess and after school. Would you have preferred that male teacher for your son - sure. But he may fall in love with his new teacher. Be open to the possibilities that this change could be a good one.
--And to solve the "moving kids around unnecessarily each year" problem:
We could all: Think about changing our one year, one teacher graded system. Just for a second. Let's consider other strategies like multi-aged grading (done intentionally, with support for the classroom teacher) or looping, where a teacher says with a group of children for more than one school year. The reason we move children each year into a new classroom with a new teacher is....oh yeah. There isn't one. It is simply the way it has always been done. Other structures - and outcomes - are possible with people thinking creatively and with an open mind.
What echoes through my head mainly this time of year (other than empathy for families) is one message, over and over.
WE COULD DO A MUCH BETTER JOB AT THIS.
What I mean by we is really all of us - parents, teachers, and administrators. I truly believe that student assignment could be done in a way that makes more sense - for everyone. But we would really have to work together, change a few things - and prioritize the needs of children in the process. Sounds good to you? Here's one thought:
Announce the student assignments in early August. Now, I know why many schools don't do this. (1) Class lists can (and do) change in a month's time. New kids can enroll, other kids can leave. Teachers can be hired late in the month. Principals want to give themselves the ability to move kids around if needed at the last minute. And (2) They don't want to give families a huge amount of time to complain about their assignments. If they announce them two days before school (on a Friday afternoon like they do around here), people don't have the opportunity to "express themselves" in this process. It is a win-win for administration - greater flexibility and fewer complaints.
However, this policy is really rough on kids. In most schools in the US, kids have to change classrooms every year, with new relationships to build, new rules to learn, new personalities to navigate, even a new physical environment. It would be like changing departments in a workplace every year for a grown up - except without the adult coping skills to support you in that change. Some kids do this change great. Some kids (lots of kids) are very stressed by the change each year and without knowing what classroom they are in, knowing what friends will be with them, or knowing who their teacher will be. Without any information, we are taking away families' ability's to help children in their transition. We can't show them their classroom. We can't schedule play dates to help them make a new friend. We can't show them a picture of their teacher on the school website. Nothing except help them manage their stress created by the unknown.
This policy is also not super supportive of teachers either, BTW. Every year, the teacher needs to spend time building new relationships with families and kids, understanding social dynamics between children in the classroom, and figuring out past educational histories and what has been done to help - and what hasn't been done. For their special education students, they need to get up to date on each individual student's IEP document, their specialized program, and their support team. This is a huge amount of time to spend every fall. And with the class lists being finalized so late in August, the work gets piled into September - making the beginning of the year a stressful time for everyone.
Here are few thoughts on making this whole situation better, but everyone needs to step up a little. There is a little tough love below - but I think it is worth it.
--To solve "the hiring at the last minute" problem:
Districts could: Start hiring processes earlier in the year to make sure that hiring is completed before August. This can be impacted by union contracts that allow teachers ample time to turn in their letters of resignation, but would could start this process in January or February to allow for everyone (teachers and administrations) to have more time to find new work and hire for the following year. This would take more human resources personnel and administrative support in schools. Which takes money.
Teachers could: Give their notice earlier in the year if they know that they are leaving. It is better for kids, truly.
Families could: Vote for more money to be allocated to schools. Really. Don't argue with me. The lack of money in schools causes so many more problems than most people understand. Having too few, poorly paid HR people makes the hiring in urban districts beyond slow. Better training, better working conditions, and the development of better systems would help smooth the hiring process, which brings great teachers to your kid's school in August.
--To solve the "teachers leaving" problem:
Districts could: Develop teacher retention policies. You don't even hear about that in the news any more. But here's a thought I am bringing back - the creation of policies that support teachers to stay in their schools and grow as professionals, instead of leaving to find a better work environment. This could include increases in salary, but for most of the teachers I know, it is about creating a work environment that is supportive of them growing as professionals - through encouragement, growth mindset thinking, professional development, and having positive, supportive relationships at their site.
Teachers could: Say what you need in order to stay. Given the poor working conditions that many teachers work within, I think that many people feel that it is useless to speak up - to ask for what you need. But how do people know unless you tell them? Maybe there is a grant coming up that would support you in your classroom management skills? Maybe there is a little room in the lead teacher's schedule to observe you and provide feedback? Maybe another staff member could help you with a student that is particularly challenging. Tell people what you need, and maybe they will provide it.
Families could: Take time to emotionally support teachers when you can. This means you see them as individuals partnering with you to support your child. Give them a warm smile in the morning, speak kindly of them to others, bring them a flower from your garden, say thank you to them when they answer a late night email. See them as people with lives - so don't email them at midnight and expect them to have read it and responded by 8 a.m. (They need their sleep.) And if you are feeling not appreciative of your child's teacher at this moment - volunteer in the classroom. Notice what they are doing that is hard, that is interesting, that is complex, that is caring. Notice their intention to teach well, notice what could be stressful for them in their workplace. See things from their perspective before complaining - it will help you advocate in a way that respectful and empathetic, if advocacy is needed.
--To solve the "last minute registration" problem:
Districts could: Advertise and remind people to register their kids earlier in the summer - or spring. I am sure we could get local radio/TV stations involved in this process and make people aware that early registration is better for schools and kids. Oh - and set your registration dates earlier. :) Why can't we do this in June? May? April?
Families could: Register at your new school as soon as you know where your child will be attending. If you are deciding between two schools, or you end up moving in the summertime, please call the school/district you will not be registering your child at this upcoming year. It will help families on the waiting lists and help administrators make better plans for the fall.
--To solve the "families complaining about the class list" problem:
Administrators could: Suck it up a little. Families have every right to express what they think their child needs. They could be right, they could be wrong, they could be crazy. But it is their kid. At the end of the day, they are responsible for who that kid grows up to be. You don't have to change the child's placement - you just have to listen and see if what they are saying makes sense. Set up structures around complaints for keeping you sane (I like this one by ex-Crocker Highland principal Beth Rhine), but open avenues for listening and learning from families.
They could also: Soothe people's concerns by hosting "work days" at the school, so families and kids could meet teachers in person before school starts, or scheduling class potlucks so everyone can get to know one another. Fight for time for teachers to make relationships with families through open houses, home visits, and open door policies. Get your PTA involved to support this process, but the more people get to know one another, the fewer complaints you will get - because people will feel more connected and less worried.
Teachers could: How do I say this.....but, maybe try to be a little bit more friendly? I am sorry. I am not trying to add to your plate. I know why teachers don't smile in the hallway anymore. You are stressed, tired, overworked...and you don't really feel like smiling. But I really think that sometimes people worry about certain teachers because they don't know them. This disconnect can make people feel concerned about sending their kid to you, which continues a cycle which can create a negative school atmosphere. So get to know a few people. Smile in the morning at people in the hall. Talk to someone who isn't in your class. Stop by the PTA bake sale. Help build your community a little - and I think you would be glad you did.
Families could: Know that class placement has one hundred variables that we can't really understand simply by analyzing the class list from our limited perspective as a parent. There are children with special needs, children with complicated family histories - or children with situational stress (like divorce, homelessness, etc.) that schools are trying to support along with everyone else. Everyone who works in education is trying to support all kids - your kid included. And everyone needs a positive classroom setting - not just your kid. So let's all work together as a team on this.
If you are really unsure about your child's class placement, then schedule a few minutes of your principal's time, but seek to understand. Explain your concerns and listen to their thoughts. Advocate for change only if there is a very compelling reason to do so. Sure, it would be nice if Susie was in class with her best friend - but she will make new friends and see Susie at recess and after school. Would you have preferred that male teacher for your son - sure. But he may fall in love with his new teacher. Be open to the possibilities that this change could be a good one.
--And to solve the "moving kids around unnecessarily each year" problem:
We could all: Think about changing our one year, one teacher graded system. Just for a second. Let's consider other strategies like multi-aged grading (done intentionally, with support for the classroom teacher) or looping, where a teacher says with a group of children for more than one school year. The reason we move children each year into a new classroom with a new teacher is....oh yeah. There isn't one. It is simply the way it has always been done. Other structures - and outcomes - are possible with people thinking creatively and with an open mind.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Looking For an East Bay School?
Maybe there is a little help around the corner! I am presenting a two-hour free (yes, I said FREE) workshop on school selection with my fabulous co-host Classroom Matters in Berkeley on Saturday, September 28th from 10-12 a.m. If you think this will help your family - please RSVP at beyondqualityconsultants@gmail.com. We can't wait to see you!
:
Your Family, Your Child, Your School:
An Individualized Approach to School Selection
We will be talking about:
--Why there is no perfect school - and why that is OK
--How to examine your personal core values about what makes a quality education
--How prioritizing those values can help you find a "best fit" school
--Leaving plenty of time for questions and answers from an experienced educational consultant
Can't wait to see you!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
The Fourth First Day of School
People spend time thinking about their child's first day of Kindergarten. We think about how to make the day not too long so they don't get overtired. We help them make a friend before the first day, so there is a familiar face in the yard to play with before the bell rings. We make sure that one parent takes the morning off to hold their hand on the way in and sit in circle time for a little while - to make the transition a little easier.
But I wonder, if people think about the first day of second grade, or the first day of fifth grade - or even middle school - the same way.
My daughter is getting ready to have her fourth first day of school - the beginning third grade. As I have written about before (here...and here...maybe it is a little bit of a theme) Lily isn't the best at those first days. In fact there is a *WHOLE* warm up routine that she has before a first day begins - even though all her first days have been at the exact same, teeny tiny elementary school (without any known trauma). But for her - it is still hard. Even though she has a friend, even though she knows the school, even though she can find her classroom without help....the fourth first day is still anxiety provoking for her - and others. So I think - what can we do for kids like them?
By treating it like the first, first day of school - with some modifications. (I am pretty sure your middle schooler doesn't want you sitting in on their first English class of the day - so let me explain.)
For example, I think when we drop our kids off at Kindergarten we picture in our heads what we are expecting them to do that day. We are sensitive that we are:
--Dropping them off with unknown adults.
--In a new place.
--With maybe one familiar friend (or maybe none).
--Asking them to "do work" instead of play in the sand all day.
--Do what they are asked to do all day.
--Start something new. Unknown. Exciting. Scary.
--Asking them to be brave.
The "newness" of school is different for an older child - they have a friend, they know where to go to the bathroom, that there will be a schedule and some work to do. They know what school *is*. But if we really consider it - we are still asking them to be brave. To start something new, unknown - that can be scary and exciting at the same time. We are asking them to leave behind some of the freedom of summer and do what they are asked to do - all day. We are asking them to take a risk, to try something that they didn't necessarily sign up for - and that can be hard work.
So we help. We set up a few play dates before school starts so old friendships seem refreshed and strong on the first day. We "drop off some forms" at school with them and spend a little time on campus, noticing new paint on the walls, or a new bulletin board. We listen to them. Snuggle them as the worries come out about the change - the new teacher, the new classroom, the new work expected of their new grade. We put them to bed on time - for a whole week before school so they aren't exhausted on the first day of school. We take the day off of work - to linger (at a distance) during the morning drop off, or to hold a hand if necessary. We leave time for a healthy breakfast and pack some favorite food in their lunch to sustain them through the day. We think about what we are asking them to do - and we help make it a little easier.
How are you helping?
But I wonder, if people think about the first day of second grade, or the first day of fifth grade - or even middle school - the same way.
My daughter is getting ready to have her fourth first day of school - the beginning third grade. As I have written about before (here...and here...maybe it is a little bit of a theme) Lily isn't the best at those first days. In fact there is a *WHOLE* warm up routine that she has before a first day begins - even though all her first days have been at the exact same, teeny tiny elementary school (without any known trauma). But for her - it is still hard. Even though she has a friend, even though she knows the school, even though she can find her classroom without help....the fourth first day is still anxiety provoking for her - and others. So I think - what can we do for kids like them?
By treating it like the first, first day of school - with some modifications. (I am pretty sure your middle schooler doesn't want you sitting in on their first English class of the day - so let me explain.)
For example, I think when we drop our kids off at Kindergarten we picture in our heads what we are expecting them to do that day. We are sensitive that we are:
--Dropping them off with unknown adults.
--In a new place.
--With maybe one familiar friend (or maybe none).
--Asking them to "do work" instead of play in the sand all day.
--Do what they are asked to do all day.
--Start something new. Unknown. Exciting. Scary.
--Asking them to be brave.
The "newness" of school is different for an older child - they have a friend, they know where to go to the bathroom, that there will be a schedule and some work to do. They know what school *is*. But if we really consider it - we are still asking them to be brave. To start something new, unknown - that can be scary and exciting at the same time. We are asking them to leave behind some of the freedom of summer and do what they are asked to do - all day. We are asking them to take a risk, to try something that they didn't necessarily sign up for - and that can be hard work.
So we help. We set up a few play dates before school starts so old friendships seem refreshed and strong on the first day. We "drop off some forms" at school with them and spend a little time on campus, noticing new paint on the walls, or a new bulletin board. We listen to them. Snuggle them as the worries come out about the change - the new teacher, the new classroom, the new work expected of their new grade. We put them to bed on time - for a whole week before school so they aren't exhausted on the first day of school. We take the day off of work - to linger (at a distance) during the morning drop off, or to hold a hand if necessary. We leave time for a healthy breakfast and pack some favorite food in their lunch to sustain them through the day. We think about what we are asking them to do - and we help make it a little easier.
How are you helping?
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Is it Bullying?
I take bullying very seriously. I know from my own childhood and my teaching practice that bullying can have significant and powerful long-term effects on children. I have never written about my own experiences as an overweight, introverted child in Middleton, Wisconsin. I have never talked about the fear I had going into an empty, dead-end hallway in my middle school alone, afraid that someone would taunt me and I couldn't easily get away. I never told anyone about the boys that would throw rocks at me as I walked home from school - trying to walk quickly, nonchalantly even, while dodging pebbles flying past my head. I never told anyone about how I never tried out for chorus or cheerleading....or anything really - because I feared the taunts outside of teachers' ear shots. "You think you are good enough to sing, fatty?", "You think they would let a fatso like you in short skirt in front of the school?"
Those voices are a part of me now. I worry about them ever going away, but they have gotten a little softer over the years. (Not enough for me to go to a class reunion though.) I think about those voices, those kids more often than I would like to admit - even as they are 1,500 miles away and old, much better behaved, 40 year-olds. But I don't really talk to people about it.
The other day, however, I got a phone call. It was a father, very upset, about his son's school.* He said that they were looking for a new school immediately and needed some help. He told me that his son was being bullied and the school was doing nothing about it. I leapt in to solve the problem.
"That is horrible. I am so sorry," I said. "Please tell me what is going on."
"Well - he has been bitten three times by the same child - and....", he continues his story. The story is full of concern for his son, stern conversations with the teacher and the director, a general dislike of the program, and wanting to find another place immediately.
I paused. "You know," I said. "We just jumped into this story and I realized, I don't know how old your son is."
"He is three - just turned three."
"And his class - how old are the children in his class?"
"It is a group of three and four year olds."
"And the child that bit Ryan?"
"The bully is three, just like Ryan."
Oh.
At StopBullying.org, they define bullying as an act that includes aggression (physical, verbal, or emotional) and contains:
- An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
- Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.
When children learn to walk or run, we give them room to fall down and absolute encouragement to get back up again. When children are learning their ABCs, we show them over and over again the letters of their name, and correct them gently when they don't learn it right away. When a three year old is struggling to develop a skill, like writing "MAMA" in all caps - and they turn their "a" on its side - we don't call them "learning disabled", or "stupid".
OK - so Ryan was bit three times. That technically is a repetition of physical aggression. And Ryan, after being bitten three times, was very worried about going to school and being bitten again - which by some, could be interpreted as an imbalance of power. But does that make the little boy in this story a bully - at age three? Does this experience make Ryan a victim?
I don't think so - for two reasons.
(1) Our society, for a while, has been diligently working on pushing higher-order, developmental expectations into the realm of preschool and elementary school. One of the many difficulties with that model is that children need time to develop skills. All kind of skills. Academic, cognitive, physical, emotional - and social. Along with time - which seems hard enough for parents, teachers, and policymakers to give - they need one other thing to become the people we want them to be. The space to fail.
I would posit that those same children need to be allowed the same room to fail at being a member of our social world. At being a friend, a classmate. They need to be given the space to hit, bite, tease, exclude, steal, chase, and taunt. They are allowed to misread cues from their friend; be unsympathetic - or even callous towards the needs of another; or be impulsive - over-excited in their play and unsure what to do with their body to stay in the game. They need to know what those experiences feel like - as a perpetrator and as a recipient -as a "bully" and as a "victim".
Those valuable experiences allow children to know what it feels like to see a person cry from what you have done; to know the disappointment of not getting a turn; to feel embarrassment, shame, shock, sadness, isolation, anger, fear and yes, pain. When they know these feelings first hand AND are supported by the grown ups around them to express them and work on skills for doing better the next time - then, and only then, will we be on our way to creating emotionally literate young adults who don't corner overweight, introverted girls in dead end hallways. Allowing young children to fail, while supporting them in developing the skills they need to assert themselves effectively when they are on the other end of a transgression, also would have been handy for the girl getting rocks thrown at her on her walk home. There are lessons to learn for everyone - and they are so important for creating the safe middle schools and high schools that our young adults deserve.
And if we don't want these lessons to be learned in middle school and high school - where the stakes can be much, much higher and the adults may have less control, insight, and say - we have to let children learn them in preschool and elementary school. Not unchecked. Not without coaching and consequences. Not without structure and communication. But we have to let them fail somewhere.
(2) In the field of special education, you can't legally label a child with a disability if there is something environmental that could have caused the difficulty. So for instance, if the child hasn't been in school for two years, we can't say the child has a learning disability because we haven't tried to teach them yet. Makes sense - there is not something "wrong" with the child until we have tried to help in a variety of ways and we have found that typical interventions aren't working.
Following this line of thought, I suggest the "bully" - or "victim" label - isn't allowed to be trotted out until we have done significant work to try to help the children involved learn the social skills they need to be positive, proactive and safe members of a group. Significant means all the adults in those children's lives are working for both sides of the team. Adults who are rooting for the three year-old to stop biting and for Ryan to learn to move away from people who make him feel uncomfortable or to use his words when he is hurt. Teachers who work in schools that are well-staffed to support close supervision and are given in-depth training to respond effectively when children fail in their social skills. Parents who support the teachers in seeing the needs of the children - their own, and other people's - in failed social attempts, and don't just focus on what it takes for it never to happen again. Significant means we keep trying to teach the skills that these children need to learn - every day, in every classroom, in every home. We don't just work on this for a month or two, but we work on this throughout early childhood while giving kids the developmental time to grow and strengthen their skills.
Clayton R. Cook and co-authors from the University of California at Riverside examined 153 studies from the last 30 years looking at bullies and victims in schools. They consistently found that both bullies and victims both have poor social problem-solving skills. Let's take some of the effort we are pouring into children putting a red X in the yellow triangle and parroting the 26 letters of the alphabet - and teach them how to positively navigate the social world, using the failed attempts that surround us each day as teachers and parents of young children as opportunities.
When the children involved are young (not just the three year olds, but onward at least until age 9) and they haven't had significant support in developing positive social skills, I don't think we can throw down the "bully" card or shoulder someone with a "victim" label. We can be concerned. We can talk to teachers about next steps. We can make sure that our child is in a setting where children are consistently scaffolded into learning social skills. We can use these lessons to teach our own children about how to be a friend in our home. But we can't saddle them. Please. Not just yet.
*Identifying details have been changed to maintain confidentiality. Only the general scenario and the ages of the children in this story are real.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The Messages We Send
If you are a worrier (like me) and your child is going to a new school next year, there are probably a number of thoughts circling around your mind right now. Will they make friends? Will they like their teacher? Will they be challenged? Will they be overwhelmed? The list - if you are a truly gifted worrier like myself - can be endless.
While there are hundreds of things to worry about before a transition happens, 95% of those things are outside of our locus of control as parents. Truly. We can't see into the future and fix problems before they occur - but we can support children in the time when we are all waiting, waiting, waiting for school to start. Again, I don't know about you, but I need a positive place to direct my energy in the meantime, or my anxiety will rise - quickly. An activity that has supported me in the past during a big change in our family's life is crafting parenting messages.
Parenting messages are thoughts or ideas that I want to convey to my daughter (explicitly or implicitly) around an issue or a change coming up in our family - like changing to a new school. While I think this strategy can work in a variety of ways to support families, I find that I need to do three things to make it work for our family.
(1) Before Lily started Kindergarten, I wrote down what I wanted her to take away from this big change - what were the positive messages I wanted to send to her while supporting her in her worry and anxiety about changing from the school she had been in since she was 18 months old. I find that physically writing them down - instead of turning them over and over inside my head - help me to craft them more specifically and thoughtfully. But also, in the end, I have a list to refer to when I am feeling like I need to re-center myself - or *I* start to feel anxious around changes occurring in our family.
(2) Next, I listen. Sometimes - just sometimes - the worries we have for our children are not the worries that they have for themselves in a transition. I want to make sure that the messages I am creating support her in her feelings about change - rather than what my concerns are for her in her big transition.
Before Kindergarten, Lily and I had few heart-to-heart talks, and she expressed concern that she wouldn't see her friends or her teachers any more once she left her preschool. She also talked about not knowing anyone at her new school and not knowing what was going to happen there. She also worried that it would be too hard and the teacher would be upset with her for not knowing how to read already. Oh.
So, I started to create messages for what I hope her to take away from this experience of starting a new school - with her anxieties and needs in mind. Here is where I started:
--We can always figure out ways to stay in touch with people who are important to us.
--I (Lily) am capable of change and my family will always be there to help me.
--Change happens in my life and everyone else's life too. Everyone has different thoughts or worries when they try something, or go somewhere new. Everyone in your new class will have their own thoughts about starting Kindergarten and making new friends.
--I (Lily) have made new friends before - and I can do it again.
--School is for everyone. The teacher and your family will help you if things are too hard.
The messages I created focused on normalization (change happens to everyone); support (grown-ups are here to help you when you are unsure); and competency (you are capable of managing this change). A good start, but then I gave a little thought to what I didn't want her to take away from this change in her life. Messages that I didn't want to send to her accidentally through our actions or our words, like:
--When I make friends somewhere, I can be moved away from them and never see them again. I wanted to give Lily a sense of control over seeing (or being in contact) with her friends and teachers - and so we talked about strategies she could employ when she missed her preschool. We listed ways of keeping in touch like writing a letter, scheduling play dates, and visiting her school in the fall - and supported her in following through with those ideas.
--Change is scary. So, deep down, this is something that can be true for me. I know this about myself, and I work hard on seeing change from other perspectives - like being exciting, exhilarating, or bringing new amazing people and experiences into one's world. I wanted to make sure my own anxieties about change didn't filter too much into Lily's world. I didn't want her to think, "Well, *MOM* is worried about this - so I definitely need to be!" I wanted to give her a sense of wonder and enthusiasm about change - on top of having a safe place to go when she was feeling anxious. I knew that to do this, I needed to keep my own "worry brain" in check and find good outlets for it (like tea with a friend, or a date night with my partner).
--Change is something that is outside my control and something I have to manage without help. While I was "forcing" Lily to go to Kindergarten, I wanted to make sure that Lily knew that her family would be there for her during this change and that we could work together on any problem that came up. I also wanted her to know that I would be open to her ideas about managing the change - like wearing her favorite princess costume on the first day of school. While that wasn't what I wanted her to wear (in part due to the large HOLE in the back), she said it would make her feel "like home" to wear it. Done.
While supporting Lily in moving forward was important to me, I also wanted to give her space to process the loss of her preschool. While some may feel this is an overstatement, I believe that moving schools is a loss for a child. They don't get to see their teachers every day; they don't have that cool block corner anymore; they don't get to make silly noises with their pal at snack anymore. It is a loss of daily routines, daily friendships, and their world as they know it. It is not a small change - and it is one that needs support and understanding from the grownups in their world. I wanted my actions to reflect that we were available to her to listen to her sadness, her anger, her worry. I didn't want our family to dismiss her concerns - I wanted us to be able to listen to them with empathy and understanding.
(3) As a final step, I brainstormed how to send these messages in a way that wasn't overkill. Questions I asked were: What are the subtle ways we can include these messages in our summer plans? What books can we read to reinforce these messages? What family stories can we tell that support our successes with change? What space can we make to talk about this change in our busy lives? How do we support the processing of the loss of her preschool, while nurturing excitement about her next big step to Kindergarten?
All of this is definitely tricky - and I feel like one (meaning, me) could definitely over do it - which may cause some children (read: mine) to shut down and not want to talk about it at all. Mostly, however, the list was there for me to read (and re-read) and support my day-to-day parenting.
So, I don't mean to spoil the ending, but - she made it! Lily transitioned successfully to Kindergarten, and your kiddo will too. It will all pass by so quickly, but one of the things I am thankful for is that now I can reference that transition to Kindergarten in talking with Lily about other changes in her life. I get to use that story as a way of showing her past competence - illustrating her capacity to make it through something that is hard. I can reflect back with her about how nervous she was and about how, in the end, Kindergarten was a wonderful experience filled with new teachers, new friends, new songs, and beautiful, glorious change.
And you will too.
While there are hundreds of things to worry about before a transition happens, 95% of those things are outside of our locus of control as parents. Truly. We can't see into the future and fix problems before they occur - but we can support children in the time when we are all waiting, waiting, waiting for school to start. Again, I don't know about you, but I need a positive place to direct my energy in the meantime, or my anxiety will rise - quickly. An activity that has supported me in the past during a big change in our family's life is crafting parenting messages.
Parenting messages are thoughts or ideas that I want to convey to my daughter (explicitly or implicitly) around an issue or a change coming up in our family - like changing to a new school. While I think this strategy can work in a variety of ways to support families, I find that I need to do three things to make it work for our family.
(1) Before Lily started Kindergarten, I wrote down what I wanted her to take away from this big change - what were the positive messages I wanted to send to her while supporting her in her worry and anxiety about changing from the school she had been in since she was 18 months old. I find that physically writing them down - instead of turning them over and over inside my head - help me to craft them more specifically and thoughtfully. But also, in the end, I have a list to refer to when I am feeling like I need to re-center myself - or *I* start to feel anxious around changes occurring in our family.
(2) Next, I listen. Sometimes - just sometimes - the worries we have for our children are not the worries that they have for themselves in a transition. I want to make sure that the messages I am creating support her in her feelings about change - rather than what my concerns are for her in her big transition.
Before Kindergarten, Lily and I had few heart-to-heart talks, and she expressed concern that she wouldn't see her friends or her teachers any more once she left her preschool. She also talked about not knowing anyone at her new school and not knowing what was going to happen there. She also worried that it would be too hard and the teacher would be upset with her for not knowing how to read already. Oh.
So, I started to create messages for what I hope her to take away from this experience of starting a new school - with her anxieties and needs in mind. Here is where I started:
--We can always figure out ways to stay in touch with people who are important to us.
--I (Lily) am capable of change and my family will always be there to help me.
--Change happens in my life and everyone else's life too. Everyone has different thoughts or worries when they try something, or go somewhere new. Everyone in your new class will have their own thoughts about starting Kindergarten and making new friends.
--I (Lily) have made new friends before - and I can do it again.
--School is for everyone. The teacher and your family will help you if things are too hard.
--When I make friends somewhere, I can be moved away from them and never see them again. I wanted to give Lily a sense of control over seeing (or being in contact) with her friends and teachers - and so we talked about strategies she could employ when she missed her preschool. We listed ways of keeping in touch like writing a letter, scheduling play dates, and visiting her school in the fall - and supported her in following through with those ideas.
--Change is scary. So, deep down, this is something that can be true for me. I know this about myself, and I work hard on seeing change from other perspectives - like being exciting, exhilarating, or bringing new amazing people and experiences into one's world. I wanted to make sure my own anxieties about change didn't filter too much into Lily's world. I didn't want her to think, "Well, *MOM* is worried about this - so I definitely need to be!" I wanted to give her a sense of wonder and enthusiasm about change - on top of having a safe place to go when she was feeling anxious. I knew that to do this, I needed to keep my own "worry brain" in check and find good outlets for it (like tea with a friend, or a date night with my partner).
--Change is something that is outside my control and something I have to manage without help. While I was "forcing" Lily to go to Kindergarten, I wanted to make sure that Lily knew that her family would be there for her during this change and that we could work together on any problem that came up. I also wanted her to know that I would be open to her ideas about managing the change - like wearing her favorite princess costume on the first day of school. While that wasn't what I wanted her to wear (in part due to the large HOLE in the back), she said it would make her feel "like home" to wear it. Done.
 |
| She changed her mind, however, when we gave her a locket that had pictures of our family in it to wear on the first day of school. I swear I would have let her wear the holey dress though. |
All of this is definitely tricky - and I feel like one (meaning, me) could definitely over do it - which may cause some children (read: mine) to shut down and not want to talk about it at all. Mostly, however, the list was there for me to read (and re-read) and support my day-to-day parenting.
So, I don't mean to spoil the ending, but - she made it! Lily transitioned successfully to Kindergarten, and your kiddo will too. It will all pass by so quickly, but one of the things I am thankful for is that now I can reference that transition to Kindergarten in talking with Lily about other changes in her life. I get to use that story as a way of showing her past competence - illustrating her capacity to make it through something that is hard. I can reflect back with her about how nervous she was and about how, in the end, Kindergarten was a wonderful experience filled with new teachers, new friends, new songs, and beautiful, glorious change.
And you will too.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Trouble at School? Start simple.
It has always been interesting to me that the simplest answers to problems are often times the last ones we consider. I blame the Internet. My weight difficulties - for example - are probably caused by thyroid problems, complex food allergies, and Montsanto's evil nature, rather than my twice-a-day Starbucks habit and my dislike for sweating.
The Internet, while it gives us so much amazing information, can also be the very same place that leads us astray. Leading us down the path of considering the unlikely root cause of problems, when the simple cause is the place to start. (My lovely and geeky husband would nod and say, "Yep. Occam's Razor.")
I have re-learned this lesson over and over again as a teacher. Does this child have undiagnosed ADHD? No...they are having to get up each day at 4 a.m. with their family and are exhausted at school and are acting...well, active...to stay awake. Does this child have undetected learning difficulties? No...they can't hear what I am saying due to having a chronic ear infection since last October.
Is your child having trouble in school? Before you google signs of ADHD or get references for local educational therapists, start simple. No, more than simple. Start by asking questions about your child's foundation.*
(1) Is your child getting enough....sleep? Your school aged child should be getting somewhere between 10-12 hours of sleep a night, regularly, for optimal health. See the link above for information about how lack of sleep can impact your child at school but just think about you at work on a good night of sleep - and then you, at work, on a bad night of sleep. That is what it is like for your little one, except they don't have the self-regulation skills (or the caffeine access) to "power through" the day that grown ups do.
(2) Is your child getting enough...time with you? Often when I see children struggling in school, I will ask the parents about the quality time that the child is spending with you - the most important people in her world. Difficulties in school often come when changes in a child's access to you (or your partner) occur. Even a quick weekend out of town can have a surprising impact some children to the point of interfering with sleeping, eating, attention, or behavior. Here is an experiment to try: Track how much time your are spending with your child - when you are really interacting and present for them (car time doesn't count) for one week. Then the following week add in one hour of "special time" and note the positive change in your child's mood, attention, and behavior. You will be amazed at the results not for only for your child, but in how you feel about your parenting overall.
(3) Is your child getting enough....down time? If you are a Bay Area reader, I am going to answer this question for you and say no. They aren't. Between school, piano, soccer, Spanish, homework, play dates, and every club, tutor, and class you can think of they aren't getting enough time just to be themselves. Not only are there huge links to downtime and creativity, but there are those same links to down time and general well-being. We need to figure out how to carve out that important time for our kids as a society, but if your child is struggling in school, it is critical to take a good look at our expectations of that child throughout the week.
Looking at your child's calendar at what is necessary - really necessary (like school, eating, sleeping, time with family) - and then thinking about what can we eliminate to support greater just-to-be-me time, as well as less transition and less travel time in the car. If your child is having a hard time at school, they are going to need this time - along with time with you - to process what is hard and recoup for the next school day.
If you are concerned about doing this, start slow. Take out one activity - the one that your child is the least excited about, or the one that really seems to cut into family time. See if freeing that time supports your child's focus and behavior at school - and move from there.
(4) Is your child eating...a balanced diet? In the spirit of full disclosure, my seven-year-old currently eats about five foods regularly, unless you count different types of candy and desserts as discrete options. This can be the toughest one of all. What are some of the key take aways around nutrition for kids that your teacher would like you to know?
(5) Has your child had....a recent physical including a hearing and vision screening? (Were the tests inconclusive? Do you need to follow up with a specialist?) Check this out regularly. Difficulties with seeing and hearing (and general health) can have a huge impact a child's ability to succeed in their school work. One of the saddest (and happiest) days I experienced as a teacher was the day a mother of a little boy in my class for preschoolers with special needs told me that she found out her son's ears were blocked - which had prevented him from developing language and connecting with family and peers. After this little boy's ears were cleaned by his doctor, within weeks he went from being almost non-verbal to speaking in short phrases in our classroom. Even if you are pretty sure that your child's hearing or vision isn't the problem - it doesn't hurt to check. Your teacher will thank you.
This is what I mean about your child's foundation. These ideas are the core of what your child needs to be a good friend, a learner, and a positive family member. Any one of them can cause difficulties for your child. What is amazingly powerful about starting here - and giving your child's physical and emotional health the focus it needs - is that these are all aspects of your child's life that you can positively or proactively influence as a parent.
Simple is the place to start - the Internet can wait for a couple of weeks.
*Note: In searching the internet :) I found an interesting article from Daniel Siegal about the "Healthy Mind Platter" talking about many of these same concepts as a way of looking at our children's day and how we are developing mentally healthy human beings under our care. Interesting reading!
The Internet, while it gives us so much amazing information, can also be the very same place that leads us astray. Leading us down the path of considering the unlikely root cause of problems, when the simple cause is the place to start. (My lovely and geeky husband would nod and say, "Yep. Occam's Razor.")
I have re-learned this lesson over and over again as a teacher. Does this child have undiagnosed ADHD? No...they are having to get up each day at 4 a.m. with their family and are exhausted at school and are acting...well, active...to stay awake. Does this child have undetected learning difficulties? No...they can't hear what I am saying due to having a chronic ear infection since last October.
Is your child having trouble in school? Before you google signs of ADHD or get references for local educational therapists, start simple. No, more than simple. Start by asking questions about your child's foundation.*
(1) Is your child getting enough....sleep? Your school aged child should be getting somewhere between 10-12 hours of sleep a night, regularly, for optimal health. See the link above for information about how lack of sleep can impact your child at school but just think about you at work on a good night of sleep - and then you, at work, on a bad night of sleep. That is what it is like for your little one, except they don't have the self-regulation skills (or the caffeine access) to "power through" the day that grown ups do.
(3) Is your child getting enough....down time? If you are a Bay Area reader, I am going to answer this question for you and say no. They aren't. Between school, piano, soccer, Spanish, homework, play dates, and every club, tutor, and class you can think of they aren't getting enough time just to be themselves. Not only are there huge links to downtime and creativity, but there are those same links to down time and general well-being. We need to figure out how to carve out that important time for our kids as a society, but if your child is struggling in school, it is critical to take a good look at our expectations of that child throughout the week.
Looking at your child's calendar at what is necessary - really necessary (like school, eating, sleeping, time with family) - and then thinking about what can we eliminate to support greater just-to-be-me time, as well as less transition and less travel time in the car. If your child is having a hard time at school, they are going to need this time - along with time with you - to process what is hard and recoup for the next school day.
If you are concerned about doing this, start slow. Take out one activity - the one that your child is the least excited about, or the one that really seems to cut into family time. See if freeing that time supports your child's focus and behavior at school - and move from there.
(4) Is your child eating...a balanced diet? In the spirit of full disclosure, my seven-year-old currently eats about five foods regularly, unless you count different types of candy and desserts as discrete options. This can be the toughest one of all. What are some of the key take aways around nutrition for kids that your teacher would like you to know?
- Don't let your child skip breakfast. Children who don't eat in the morning lose focus an hour into the school day. I've seen it - it isn't pretty.
- Please don't pack soda, chips, or candy in your child's lunch. Without you there, that is the only thing they will eat for lunch. Not anything else that you packed, no matter what you tell them. Most schools do not have the person-power to monitor what students eat, so pack well.
- Speaking of packing well, you can pack them kale and spinach, but unless your child is out of the ordinary - they aren't going to eat it when you aren't there. I have been following this inspiring blog called "100 Days of Real Food" written by a mom who is walking (and writing about) the fine line of packing healthy food for her kids, but also packing food they will eat. Without a good lunch, students often lose steam about an hour after recess and end up slumped with their head on their desk - not ideal for learning.
- Protein helps with energy and focus. I have P-L-E-N-T-Y of struggles around this in my household since the only meat my daughter likes is bacon. However, there are other foods that provide protein (like nut butters, hard-boiled eggs, cheese etc.) and as a teacher, I noticed that the kids who had protein in their lunch were often more active and engaged in school in the afternoon.
(5) Has your child had....a recent physical including a hearing and vision screening? (Were the tests inconclusive? Do you need to follow up with a specialist?) Check this out regularly. Difficulties with seeing and hearing (and general health) can have a huge impact a child's ability to succeed in their school work. One of the saddest (and happiest) days I experienced as a teacher was the day a mother of a little boy in my class for preschoolers with special needs told me that she found out her son's ears were blocked - which had prevented him from developing language and connecting with family and peers. After this little boy's ears were cleaned by his doctor, within weeks he went from being almost non-verbal to speaking in short phrases in our classroom. Even if you are pretty sure that your child's hearing or vision isn't the problem - it doesn't hurt to check. Your teacher will thank you.
This is what I mean about your child's foundation. These ideas are the core of what your child needs to be a good friend, a learner, and a positive family member. Any one of them can cause difficulties for your child. What is amazingly powerful about starting here - and giving your child's physical and emotional health the focus it needs - is that these are all aspects of your child's life that you can positively or proactively influence as a parent.
Simple is the place to start - the Internet can wait for a couple of weeks.
*Note: In searching the internet :) I found an interesting article from Daniel Siegal about the "Healthy Mind Platter" talking about many of these same concepts as a way of looking at our children's day and how we are developing mentally healthy human beings under our care. Interesting reading!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Decisions
School decisions for next year are right around the corner. Lottery bids will be sent to homes, phone calls from schools accepting your kids will be made....all in the next few weeks.
While I feel like this is a great time to take a look at how you are feeling about your choices, I also wanted to share a bit about how I approach big decisions like this. I have a set of four beliefs that support me in making the best decision I can make during important moments in my life - by releasing me from the stress that surrounds most of my decision making like a destructive tornado. Sometimes I repeat these beliefs, over and over, to help me calm down and see the situation clearly. I hope they help you as well - especially until those acceptance letters come in the mail.
(1) There isn't a perfect decision. No. Really. There isn't one. Cross my heart. We can only do our best with our given information, our given energy, and our given situation at any one moment in time. Release your guilt here - shush the voice inside your head that says that you should have seen one more school, or gone to another information night. That screams that you didn't look at nearly as many schools as Suzie's mom did. Tell that voice to go find someone else to bother - perhaps Suzie's mother....:)
You have done what you can to make a good decision for your child. You have done the best you could - that that is more than good enough. (And, let's be honest, more than our families probably did for us back in the day. :)) Even if you had seen 20, 40...100 schools - you still couldn't guarantee that the decision you made is the "best" one. It is simply the best you could do with that information. Let go of any guilt, any nagging feeling, any fear - those voices, those emotions will not help you in the end. They will only cloud your decision making clarity when the big day arrives.
(2) All decisions can be changed. This is what got me through signing the mortgage on our home. As I signed all hundred pieces of paper, I breathed in and out, and mouthed quietly, "We can sell the house if we can't afford it. We can sell the house if we can't afford it" until I was finished. And it is true. We *could* have sold our house - if we had to. We could have changed our decision if things weren't working as we planned.
Would that have been easy? No.
Would that have been stressful? Yes.
Hard on our daughter? Yes.
Difficult to lose the house - or the money? Yep.
But could we have done it if we had to? Absolutely.
Pretty much all decisions can be changed (or at least, repaired) down the road. We have the strength and the ability to change lanes if the traffic flow requires it. You (and your child) can change schools if it doesn't work out. Now, is this ideal? No. But life isn't really ideal...and the non-ideal stuff? It teaches us an awful lot. Tell the voices in your head to be quiet - that if you need to, you can fix any problem that arises. You are that strong - I know you are. And your kid is too, by the way.
(3) Decisions are both intellectual and emotional. While I am sure this belief will have a variety of reactions from different types of decision makers (a.k.a my husband - the intellectual decision maker in the family vs. my mom, the emotional decision maker), I really believe that good decision making takes plays from both playbooks. Thinking deeply about your educational priorities and whether the schools you applied to match those priorities - is a great use of your intellectual decision maker in your family. Set him (or her) to work, making the charts and graphs, the pro and con list, listing out the hard information you have about each school.
Sorting and processing your "gut instincts" about different schools and how you see your child and your family fitting in there - that is a perfect place for your emotional processor (a.k.a my mom, or your family's equivalent) to weigh into the process. Sit down with her (or him). Have some tea and sift through your experiences, your feelings, your fears. Both types of information have a place in this decision. Make space for them both in your discussions about which school would be the best fit for your family.
(4) There will always be multiple, unknown factors in a decision. I call them "what ifs". What if the math program isn't as good as we thought and our child gets bored in class? What if we can't afford the tuition of that school past second grade? What if the school is too far from our home and our child doesn't make any neighborhood friends? (I can keep at this for awhile. I am *really* good at this game.)
These what ifs are a huge part of my daily discussions with clients. I listen carefully to them - I do. These what ifs are important to name - to say out loud so that they aren't swimming around like sharks inside your head. When they ask me what I think - to participate in the "what if" game professionally - I am gentle. I am soothing. And I calmly say that if I could answer that question, I would get paid much more money - because I would be predicting the future. No one, I remind them, can predict the future. Not an educational consultant, not Berkeley Parents Network, not a mother or a father - not even as much as we deeply would like to protect our child from the what if from coming to pass.
We can gather key information around our what ifs. We can watch the math program in action at our school of choice; we can call up a financial planner to talk about money for tuition; we can talk to other families at our favorite school about how people from outside the neighborhood make friends. Doing those things might help quiet the voices of doubt, or might give us another way of looking at the "what if". Great - but even with this extra effort, you will not be able to control future outcomes. The math program may be fantastic - but your kid might not like it. You might plan for tuition - and then have a second baby. You might move into the neighborhood of your school when a great house comes up for sale. Lots of things could happen - bad AND good.
So don't get stuck here. List your what ifs. Write down what you can proactively do to gather information. Do those things. Then clear your head and move on. Release yourself from the stranglehold of the future. You have done what you can do...because there is no perfect decision to be made (remember #1?)....and luckily, if the what if comes to pass, you can always change your decision (#2).
I wish you best in the upcoming weeks!
"We can't control all life, but what we can do is look ahead and dictate where we go next."
- Demi Lovato
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