One Wrong Move

I was listening closely to a mother who called me to talk about Kindergarten for her son. As I often do, I take notes as people speak, trying to get a sense of what is most important to them and I write down short phrases to capture their thinking.  Calmly, professionally, she spoke about how to truly know which public school was the best in her area and how she didn't know if private school was better either. She spoke about her son, and how much he was enjoying his preschool and how he was beginning to read and do math. She talked to me about her local public school's test scores and concerns about the entitlement and lack of diversity in her area private schools. She told me about her own educational experiences - and her husband's.

As she continued however, the conversation started to turn slowly towards her worries, her fears. After several minutes, she sighed slightly and said, "It feels like if we make one wrong move, one wrong decision (for our son) then that is it. " I wrote the phrase down at the top of my paper, and circled it slowly as she continued.

There it is. The fear.

In my job, I hear some version of this same worry every day…and whenever I do, I wish to be able to reach into people's hearts and minds and yank it clean out. I can't seem to do that -  so here is my attempt to do it virtually, for anyone else who might be struggling in the same way.

There is no one wrong move in raising your children. 

OK - throwing them off the side of a building is not a good call. But if you are a person who is thinking about your child's educational path and considering your options carefully, with concern, with worry, reading this blog…I am guessing I didn't need to tell you I am not talking about physical safety. Let me rephrase.

There is no one wrong move in educating your children. 

Here is what I know for sure.

Montessori, public school, Waldorf, private school, charter schools, religious education, non-public schools, blended learning, bilingual education, progressive education, inclusion, special day classes, STEM, STEAM, design thinking, gifted education, hands-on learning, traditional learning, expeditionary learning, homeschooling, unschooling, hybrid homeschooling, micro schooling….all of these methods of education (and any that I have missed) have contributed positively to children and families in a multitude of ways, in many places, across time.

You will find happy, contributing members of society who have been educated in all of these ways in a wide variety of schools, chirping happily about their own education or their child's, and how wonderful it is.

You will also find people who have been educated - in any of these methodologies and systems - who don't reflect kindly on their education or their child's experiences in an educational model or particular school.

You will also find people who disliked their education AND who are happy and successful contributing members of our society. Meaning, they made it even though their education wasn't optimal. They made it despite the one wrong move (or more).

And, you will also find - or see - people who our educational structures, systems, choices seemed to fail them. I won't deny that. Those of us who have spent any time in a classroom or in a school have seen them.  What I can guarantee, however, is that those children who were not served, who were ignored, unseen, unsupported - those people and their experiences did not culminate into "failure" because of one wrong move. Or two. Or three. It was from not having people in their daily lives who cared about their education.

These kids didn't have people who cared that they got what they needed in school  - sometimes even outside of school. They didn't have people who talked to them at night before bed and helped them with their homework. That kept in touch with their teacher and read Facebook articles on new educational methodologies. Or thought about the pros and cons between bilingual education and Montessori. That cared about their future and helped them to shape it - in little and big ways - consistently, throughout their childhood. It was not one wrong move - it was many wrong moves, consistently, over time.


There cannot be one wrong move. I know this because none of us would have survived our childhoods if that was the case. All families make wrong moves with their children, because we are human. We err - all the time. You might choose a school or educational path that doesn't end up working for your family or for your child - and that is OK.

I mean it. Stop your worrying. It is going to be alright - even if you are on wrong move #129 by your count.

It is OK because you are there for your child - helping, listening, thinking. You are engaged in your child's education. You are trying. And it turns out, in the end, that is what truly matters.

Thinking about Middle School….? I Am!

I know, I know. It is still summer vacation. But for me and my work it is already time to start thinking about the upcoming school selection season and how I can support families. Plus….

My daughter is entering fourth grade. (Yikes! What? Are you kidding? How did that happen?)

So, basically, for someone like me, that means I am beginning the process of looking at schools for what would be a good fit for her  - two short years away. 

I realize that to some, that sounds crazy. Take two years to look at middle schools? Well - while I am a little on the Type A side to be sure, I have to tell you…I think I am right on this one. The fifth grade year is full of things that families need to accomplish and it is all crammed into the fall. If you spread some of your tours out to the year before - you have a little wiggle room. A little extra time to look at that school you heard about from that one lady standing in line for coffee. And for me, that extra time helps me breathe easier, think my priorities for my daughter through without pressure, and helps me to feel confident that I have considered what I have needed to - before starting the stress of the fifth grade fall. 

Now you tell me, some of you are saying into your screen. My kid is starting fifth grade! What do I do then?!

Don't panic. :) Here is an overview I give my clients - and notice there are a few things you can do right now to soften the blow of the fifth grade fall. 

• Develop your list of 6-9 key educational needs in a setting for your child so you know what you are looking for in a school. (For more on this, check out my website.)

• Think about how you would like your child to be involved in this process. 
• What decision making powers (if any) will they have?
• What limits will you set in the process of deciding? (i.e. you have to tour three schools; you have to apply to four schools; we will meet every other week as a family to talk about middle schools for one hour, etc.)
• What expectations will you set around your child’s participation in this process? (i.e. you will work on application essays once a week for an hour; you will take a class on preparing for the ISEE; we will make a calendar so you know when applications are due and can plan for things to be ready by then, etc.)

• Research, read and make a tour list
• What schools do you want to tour?
• How many schools can you realistically tour in the fall? 
• What schools do you want to bring your child to tour?

• If you are considering public schools, find out about your district’s school assignment policies and deadlines. 
• Remember that these can (and do) change from year to year. Always good to double check with the district - not your good friend or the lady in your office - so you don’t miss an important deadline.

• If you are considering applying to private schools, find out about the entrance exam requirements (if there are any) and sign up for that test.
• Go to http://erblearn.org/parents/admission/isee or http://www.ssat.org/ssat/info/home.html to find out when the testing dates for this year are and register.
• You will need “codes” for the schools that you would like these scores to be sent to...so it is great to know all the schools you are considering applying to so the score reports can be sent to the appropriate place. Be inclusive of who you send to, so you don’t have to go back and get the scores sent to other schools in a time crunch.
• Many schools have their own, in-house assessment as well. Good to ask about what that will entail and how students can best prepare.

• Create a touring calendar and a consistent “questions to ask” sheet to take with you.
• Have at least three key questions - based on your prioritized educational values - to ask at every tour - that way you are comparing apples to apples when the time comes. 
• This makes sure that you don’t miss an opportunity to tour a school and that you have the same information (based on your key educational values - see #1) regarding each school.

• Create an application and financial aid due date calendar so you don’t miss any due dates.
• Display it prominently so everyone in the family can see it and reference it.
• Don’t forget private, public, and charter school deadlines differ - so be sure to put them all on your calendar.
• Help your child plan when he/she will work on their essays and make sure they are scheduling enough time to do their best work while minimizing stress.

• Check in with your child’s teacher about teacher recommendation forms and when they would like to have the forms.
• You don’t want a teacher recommendation done “on the fly”. :) Remember to give them clear directions, pre-addressed envelopes, and stamps so all they have to focus on is the recommendation.

• Tour and attend open houses and start to determine where you would like to apply.
• If there are schools that your are certain you want to apply to, then start working on the application essays with your child in order to give them as much time as possible to do a great job.
• Talk about your observations with your partner and your child (as applicable), and be sure to call current families if you have questions or concerns about a school. 
• Many private schools will schedule a tour for families who can’t attend regularly scheduled events - be sure to ask if you need something that better matches your schedule.
• I recommend that if you want an independent school to be an option for your child, you should apply to at least three schools minimally. Middle schools in the Bay Area can be very competitive, depending on the school. 

• Apply on time and schedule your family’s interviews, your child’s shadow days, and assessment days at different schools. 
• Many schools have different activities for students to do to get to know them and for them to get to know the school.  Most of these activities are required in the admissions process.
• Put them on your calendar too...and spread them out if you can to lessen the stress on your student.
• Ask what your student will do on their assessment day so they can feel a little prepared heading into a new setting. 
• Does not hurt to practice basic interviewing skills - in a fun, low pressure way. Shaking hands, smiling, try to participate, and answering adult questions in full sentences is really all they need.

• Remember to set expectations with your student about where they may or may not go to school.
• Children will get their hopes up about different schools and sending a consistent message that you will find a great fit, but that we have to stay open minded about the end result is important. 

I hope this is helpful to you! And good luck! Maybe I will see a few of you on school tours this fall!

Choosing a Middle School - The Video!

Hello to all - and so sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I have been very busy this season helping families and speaking at a variety of schools in the East Bay - which has been a wonderful experience.

One of the schools I presented at - Mills College Children's School, a PreK-5 school on the Mills campus - took a video of me giving a presentation to their fifth grade families about middle school selection. It was a surprise to be video taped (I would have pick a different outfit or went to get my hair cut if I had known), but I think the content could be really helpful to families looking for a middle school. Here it is if you would like to watch it.

Let me know what you think!

We Could Do A Better Job at This

As an educational consultant, a good portion of my time in August is spent talking to families about teacher assignments. This can be heartbreakingly stressful for families, and I am happy to be an ear for people who need it. However, generally in schools (especially public schools) there isn't much control that families have over their child's placement in a classroom at this point in the game - which can be a hard thing for someone to hear, and it isn't my favorite message to deliver.

What echoes through my head mainly this time of year (other than empathy for families) is one message, over and over.

WE COULD DO A MUCH BETTER JOB AT THIS.  

What I mean by we is really all of us - parents, teachers, and administrators. I truly believe that student assignment could be done in a way that makes more sense - for everyone. But we would really have to work together, change a few things - and prioritize the needs of children in the process. Sounds good to you? Here's one thought:

Announce the student assignments in early August. Now, I know why many schools don't do this. (1) Class lists can (and do) change in a month's time. New kids can enroll, other kids can leave. Teachers can be hired late in the month. Principals want to give themselves the ability to move kids around if needed at the last minute. And (2) They don't want to give families a huge amount of time to complain about their assignments. If they announce them two days before school (on a Friday afternoon like they do around here), people don't have the opportunity to "express themselves" in this process. It is a win-win for administration - greater flexibility and fewer complaints.

However, this policy is really rough on kids. In most schools in the US, kids have to change classrooms every year, with new relationships to build, new rules to learn, new personalities to navigate, even a new physical environment. It would be like changing departments in a workplace every year for a grown up - except without the adult coping skills to support you in that change. Some kids do this change great. Some kids (lots of kids) are very stressed by the change each year and without knowing what classroom they are in, knowing what friends will be with them, or knowing who their teacher will be. Without any information, we are taking away families' ability's to help children in their transition. We can't show them their classroom. We can't schedule play dates to help them make a new friend. We can't show them a picture of their teacher on the school website. Nothing except help them manage their stress created by the unknown.

This policy is also not super supportive of teachers either, BTW. Every year, the teacher needs to spend time building new relationships with families and kids, understanding social dynamics between children in the classroom, and figuring out past educational histories and what has been done to help - and what hasn't been done. For their special education students, they need to get up to date on each individual student's IEP document, their specialized program, and their support team. This is a huge amount of time to spend every fall. And with the class lists being finalized so late in August, the work gets piled into September - making the beginning of the year a stressful time for everyone.

Here are few thoughts on making this whole situation better, but everyone needs to step up a little. There is a little tough love below - but I think it is worth it.

--To solve "the hiring at the last minute" problem:

Districts could: Start hiring processes earlier in the year to make sure that hiring is completed before August. This can be impacted by union contracts that allow teachers ample time to turn in their letters of resignation, but would could start this process in January or February to allow for everyone (teachers and administrations) to have more time to find new work and hire for the following year. This would take more human resources personnel and administrative support in schools. Which takes money. 

Teachers could: Give their notice earlier in the year if they know that they are leaving. It is better for kids, truly.

Families could: Vote for more money to be allocated to schools. Really. Don't argue with me. The lack of money in schools causes so many more problems than most people understand. Having too few, poorly paid HR people makes the hiring in urban districts beyond slow. Better training, better working conditions, and the development of better systems would help smooth the hiring process, which brings great teachers to your kid's school in August.


--To solve the "teachers leaving" problem:

Districts could: Develop teacher retention policies. You don't even hear about that in the news any more. But here's a thought I am bringing back -  the creation of policies that support teachers to stay in their schools and grow as professionals, instead of leaving to find a better work environment. This could include increases in salary, but for most of the teachers I know, it is about creating a work environment that is supportive of them growing as professionals - through encouragement, growth mindset thinking, professional development, and having positive, supportive relationships at their site.

Teachers could: Say what you need in order to stay. Given the poor working conditions that many teachers work within, I think that many people feel that it is useless to speak up - to ask for what you need. But how do people know unless you tell them? Maybe there is a grant coming up that would support you in your classroom management skills? Maybe there is a little room in the lead teacher's schedule to observe you and provide feedback? Maybe another staff member could help you with a student that is particularly challenging. Tell people what you need, and maybe they will provide it.

Families could: Take time to emotionally support teachers when you can. This means you see them as individuals partnering with you to support your child. Give them a warm smile in the morning, speak kindly of them to others, bring them a flower from your garden, say thank you to them when they answer a late night email. See them as people with lives - so don't email them at midnight and expect them to have read it and responded by 8 a.m. (They need their sleep.) And if you are feeling not appreciative of your child's teacher at this moment - volunteer in the classroom. Notice what they are doing that is hard, that is interesting, that is complex, that is caring. Notice their intention to teach well, notice what could be stressful for them in their workplace. See things from their perspective before complaining - it will help you advocate in a way that respectful and empathetic, if advocacy is needed.


--To solve the "last minute registration" problem:

Districts could: Advertise and remind people to register their kids earlier in the summer - or spring. I am sure we could get local radio/TV stations involved in this process and make people aware that early registration is better for schools and kids. Oh - and set your registration dates earlier. :) Why can't we do this in June? May? April?

Families could: Register at your new school as soon as you know where your child will be attending. If you are deciding between two schools, or you end up moving in the summertime, please call the school/district you will not be registering your child at this upcoming year. It will help families on the waiting lists and help administrators make better plans for the fall.


--To solve the "families complaining about the class list" problem:

Administrators could: Suck it up a little.  Families have every right to express what they think their child needs. They could be right, they could be wrong, they could be crazy. But it is their kid. At the end of the day, they are responsible for who that kid grows up to be. You don't have to change the child's placement - you just have to listen and see if what they are saying makes sense. Set up structures around complaints for keeping you sane (I like this one by ex-Crocker Highland principal Beth Rhine), but open avenues for listening and learning from families.

They could also: Soothe people's concerns by hosting "work days" at the school, so families and kids could meet teachers in person before school starts, or scheduling class potlucks so everyone can get to know one another. Fight for time for teachers to make relationships with families through open houses, home visits, and open door policies. Get your PTA involved to support this process, but the more people get to know one another, the fewer complaints you will get - because people will feel more connected and less worried.

Teachers could: How do I say this.....but, maybe try to be a little bit more friendly?  I am sorry. I am not trying to add to your plate.  I know why teachers don't smile in the hallway anymore. You are stressed, tired, overworked...and you don't really feel like smiling. But I really think that sometimes people worry about certain teachers because they don't know them. This disconnect can make people feel concerned about sending their kid to you, which continues a cycle which can create a negative school atmosphere. So get to know a few people. Smile in the morning at people in the hall. Talk to someone who isn't in your class. Stop by the PTA bake sale. Help build your community a little - and I think you would be glad you did.

Families could: Know that class placement has one hundred variables that we can't really understand simply by analyzing the class list from our limited perspective as a parent. There are children with special needs, children with complicated family histories - or children with situational stress (like divorce, homelessness, etc.) that schools are trying to support along with everyone else. Everyone who works in education is trying to support all kids - your kid included. And everyone needs a positive classroom setting - not just your kid.  So let's all work together as a team on this.

If you are really unsure about your child's class placement, then schedule a few minutes of your principal's time, but seek to understand. Explain your concerns and listen to their thoughts. Advocate for change only if there is a very compelling reason to do so. Sure, it would be nice if Susie was in class with her best friend - but she will make new friends and see Susie at recess and after school. Would you have preferred that male teacher for your son - sure. But he may fall in love with his new teacher. Be open to the possibilities that this change could be a good one.


--And to solve the "moving kids around unnecessarily each year" problem:

We could all: Think about changing our one year, one teacher graded system. Just for a second. Let's consider other strategies like multi-aged grading (done intentionally, with support for the classroom teacher) or looping, where a teacher says with a group of children for more than one school year. The reason we move children each year into a new classroom with a new teacher is....oh yeah. There isn't one. It is simply the way it has always been done. Other structures - and outcomes -  are possible with people thinking creatively and with an open mind.

Looking For an East Bay School?

Maybe there is a little help around the corner! I am presenting a two-hour free (yes, I said FREE) workshop on school selection with my fabulous co-host Classroom Matters in Berkeley on Saturday, September 28th from 10-12 a.m.  If you think this will help your family - please RSVP at beyondqualityconsultants@gmail.com. We can't wait to see you!

:

Your Family, Your Child, Your School:

An Individualized Approach to School Selection

We will be talking about: 

--Why there is no perfect school - and why that is OK

--How to examine your personal core values about what makes a quality education

--How prioritizing those values can help you find a "best fit" school

--Leaving plenty of time for questions and answers from an experienced educational consultant

Can't wait to see you!

The Fourth First Day of School

People spend time thinking about their child's first day of Kindergarten. We think about how to make the day not too long so they don't get overtired. We help them make a friend before the first day, so there is a familiar face in the yard to play with before the bell rings. We make sure that one parent takes the morning off to hold their hand on the way in and sit in circle time for a little while - to make the transition a little easier.

But I wonder, if people think about the first day of second grade, or the first day of fifth grade - or even middle school - the same way.

My daughter is getting ready to have her fourth first day of school - the beginning third grade. As I have written about before (here...and here...maybe it is a little bit of a theme) Lily isn't the best at those first days. In fact there is a *WHOLE* warm up routine that she has before a first day begins - even though all her first days have been at the exact same, teeny tiny elementary school (without any known trauma). But for her - it is still hard. Even though she has a friend, even though she knows the school, even though she can find her classroom without help....the fourth first day is still anxiety provoking for her - and others. So I think - what can we do for kids like them?

By treating it like the first, first day of school - with some modifications. (I am pretty sure your middle schooler doesn't want you sitting in on their first English class of the day - so let me explain.)

For example, I think when we drop our kids off at Kindergarten we picture in our heads what we are expecting them to do that day. We are sensitive that we are:

--Dropping them off with unknown adults.
--In a new place.
--With maybe one familiar friend (or maybe none).
--Asking them to "do work" instead of play in the sand all day.
--Do what they are asked to do all day.
--Start something new. Unknown. Exciting. Scary.
--Asking them to be brave.

The "newness" of school is different for an older child - they have a friend, they know where to go to the bathroom, that there will be a schedule and some work to do. They know what school *is*. But if we really consider it - we are still asking them to be brave. To start something new, unknown - that can be scary and exciting at the same time. We are asking them to leave behind some of the freedom of summer and do what they are asked to do - all day. We are asking them to take a risk, to try something that they didn't necessarily sign up for - and that can be hard work.

So we help. We set up a few play dates before school starts so old friendships seem refreshed and strong on the first day. We "drop off some forms" at school with them and spend a little time on campus, noticing new paint on the walls, or a new bulletin board. We listen to them.  Snuggle them as the worries come out about the change -  the new teacher, the new classroom, the new work expected of their new grade. We put them to bed on time - for a whole week before school so they aren't exhausted on the first day of school. We take the day off of work - to linger (at a distance) during the morning drop off, or to hold a hand if necessary. We leave time for a healthy breakfast and pack some favorite food in their lunch to sustain them through the day. We think about what we are asking them to do - and we help make it a little easier.

How are you helping?

Is it Bullying?

I take bullying very seriously. I know from my own childhood and my teaching practice that bullying can have significant and powerful long-term effects on children. I have never written about my own experiences as an overweight, introverted child in Middleton, Wisconsin.  I have never talked about the fear I had going into an empty, dead-end hallway in my middle school alone, afraid that someone would taunt me and I couldn't easily get away. I never told anyone about the boys that would throw rocks at me as I walked home from school - trying to walk quickly, nonchalantly even, while dodging pebbles flying past my head. I never told anyone about how I never tried out for chorus or cheerleading....or anything really -  because I feared the taunts outside of teachers' ear shots. "You think you are good enough to sing, fatty?", "You think they would let a fatso like you in short skirt in front of the school?"

Those voices are a part of me now. I worry about them ever going away, but they have gotten a little softer over the years. (Not enough for me to go to a class reunion though.) I think about those voices, those kids more often than I would like to admit - even as they are 1,500 miles away and old, much better behaved, 40 year-olds. But I don't really talk to people about it.

The other day, however, I got a phone call. It was a father, very upset, about his son's school.* He said that they were looking for a new school immediately and needed some help. He told me that his son was being bullied and the school was doing nothing about it. I leapt in to solve the problem. 

"That is horrible. I am so sorry," I said. "Please tell me what is going on."

"Well - he has been bitten three times by the same child - and....", he continues his story. The story is full of concern for his son, stern conversations with the teacher and the director, a general dislike of the program, and wanting to find another place immediately. 

I paused. "You know," I said. "We just jumped into this story and I realized, I don't know how old your son is." 

"He is three - just turned three."

"And his class - how old are the children in his class?"

"It is a group of three and four year olds."

"And the child that bit Ryan?"

"The bully is three, just like Ryan."

Oh. 

At StopBullying.org, they define bullying as an act that includes aggression (physical, verbal, or emotional) and contains: 

• An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

When children learn to walk or run, we give them room to fall down and absolute encouragement to get back up again. When children are learning their ABCs, we show them over and over again the letters of their name, and correct them gently when they don't learn it right away. When a three year old is struggling to develop a skill, like writing "MAMA" in all caps - and they turn their "a" on its side - we don't call them "learning disabled", or "stupid".

OK - so Ryan was bit three times. That technically is a repetition of physical aggression. And Ryan, after being bitten three times, was very worried about going to school and being bitten again - which by some, could be interpreted as an imbalance of power. But does that make the little boy in this story a bully - at age three? Does this experience make Ryan a victim? 

I don't think so - for two reasons. 

(1) Our society, for a while, has been diligently working on pushing higher-order, developmental expectations into the realm of preschool and elementary school. One of the many difficulties with that model is that children need time to develop skills. All kind of skills. Academic, cognitive, physical, emotional - and social. Along with time - which seems hard enough for parents, teachers, and policymakers to give -  they need one other thing to become the people we want them to be. The space to fail.

I would posit that those same children need to be allowed the same room to fail at being a member of our social world. At being a friend, a classmate. They need to be given the space to hit, bite, tease, exclude, steal, chase, and taunt. They are allowed to misread cues from their friend; be unsympathetic - or even callous towards the needs of another; or be impulsive - over-excited in their play and unsure what to do with their body to stay in the game. They need to know what those experiences feel like - as a perpetrator and as a recipient -as a "bully" and as a "victim". 

Those valuable experiences allow children to know what it feels like to see a person cry from what you have done; to know the disappointment of not getting a turn; to feel embarrassment, shame, shock, sadness, isolation, anger, fear and yes, pain. When they know these feelings first hand AND are supported by the grown ups around them to express them and work on skills for doing better the next time -  then, and only then, will we be on our way to creating emotionally literate young adults who don't corner overweight, introverted girls in dead end hallways. Allowing young children to fail, while supporting them in developing the skills they need to assert themselves effectively when they are on the other end of a transgression, also would have been handy for the girl getting rocks thrown at her on her walk home. There are lessons to learn for everyone - and they are so important for creating the safe middle schools and high schools that our young adults deserve. 

And if we don't want these lessons to be learned in middle school and high school - where the stakes can be much, much higher and the adults may have less control, insight, and say - we have to let children learn them in preschool and elementary school. Not unchecked. Not without coaching and consequences. Not without structure and communication. But we have to let them fail somewhere.

(2) In the field of special education, you can't legally label a child with a disability if there is something environmental that could have caused the difficulty. So for instance, if the child hasn't been in school for two years, we can't say the child has a learning disability because we haven't tried to teach them yet. Makes sense - there is not something "wrong" with the child until we have tried to help in a variety of ways and we have found that typical interventions aren't working. 

Following this line of thought, I suggest the "bully" - or "victim" label -  isn't allowed to be trotted out until we have done significant work to try to help the children involved learn the social skills they need to be positive, proactive and safe members of a group. Significant means all the adults in those children's lives are working for both sides of the team. Adults who are rooting for the three year-old to stop biting and for Ryan to learn to move away from people who make him feel uncomfortable or to use his words when he is hurt. Teachers who work in schools that are well-staffed to support close supervision and are given in-depth training to respond effectively when children fail in their social skills. Parents who support the teachers in seeing the needs of the children - their own, and other people's - in failed social attempts, and don't just focus on what it takes for it never to happen again. Significant means we keep trying to teach the skills that these children need to learn - every day, in every classroom, in every home. We don't just work on this for a month or two, but we work on this throughout early childhood while giving kids the developmental time to grow and strengthen their skills.

Clayton R. Cook and co-authors from the University of California at Riverside examined 153 studies from the last 30 years looking at bullies and victims in schools. They consistently found that both bullies and victims both have poor social problem-solving skills. Let's take some of the effort we are pouring into children putting a red X in the yellow triangle and parroting the 26 letters of the alphabet - and teach them how to positively navigate the social world, using the failed attempts that surround us each day as teachers and parents of young children as opportunities.

When the children involved are young (not just the three year olds, but onward at least until age 9) and they haven't had significant support in developing positive social skills, I don't think we can throw down the "bully" card or shoulder someone with a "victim" label. We can be concerned. We can talk to teachers about next steps. We can make sure that our child is in a setting where children are consistently scaffolded into learning social skills. We can use these lessons to teach our own children about how to be a friend in our home. But we can't saddle them. Please. Not just yet.

*Identifying details have been changed to maintain confidentiality. Only the general scenario and the ages of the children in this story are real.