Is it Bullying?

I take bullying very seriously. I know from my own childhood and my teaching practice that bullying can have significant and powerful long-term effects on children. I have never written about my own experiences as an overweight, introverted child in Middleton, Wisconsin.  I have never talked about the fear I had going into an empty, dead-end hallway in my middle school alone, afraid that someone would taunt me and I couldn't easily get away. I never told anyone about the boys that would throw rocks at me as I walked home from school - trying to walk quickly, nonchalantly even, while dodging pebbles flying past my head. I never told anyone about how I never tried out for chorus or cheerleading....or anything really -  because I feared the taunts outside of teachers' ear shots. "You think you are good enough to sing, fatty?", "You think they would let a fatso like you in short skirt in front of the school?"

Those voices are a part of me now. I worry about them ever going away, but they have gotten a little softer over the years. (Not enough for me to go to a class reunion though.) I think about those voices, those kids more often than I would like to admit - even as they are 1,500 miles away and old, much better behaved, 40 year-olds. But I don't really talk to people about it.

The other day, however, I got a phone call. It was a father, very upset, about his son's school.* He said that they were looking for a new school immediately and needed some help. He told me that his son was being bullied and the school was doing nothing about it. I leapt in to solve the problem. 

"That is horrible. I am so sorry," I said. "Please tell me what is going on."

"Well - he has been bitten three times by the same child - and....", he continues his story. The story is full of concern for his son, stern conversations with the teacher and the director, a general dislike of the program, and wanting to find another place immediately. 

I paused. "You know," I said. "We just jumped into this story and I realized, I don't know how old your son is." 

"He is three - just turned three."

"And his class - how old are the children in his class?"

"It is a group of three and four year olds."

"And the child that bit Ryan?"

"The bully is three, just like Ryan."

Oh. 

At StopBullying.org, they define bullying as an act that includes aggression (physical, verbal, or emotional) and contains: 

• An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

When children learn to walk or run, we give them room to fall down and absolute encouragement to get back up again. When children are learning their ABCs, we show them over and over again the letters of their name, and correct them gently when they don't learn it right away. When a three year old is struggling to develop a skill, like writing "MAMA" in all caps - and they turn their "a" on its side - we don't call them "learning disabled", or "stupid".

OK - so Ryan was bit three times. That technically is a repetition of physical aggression. And Ryan, after being bitten three times, was very worried about going to school and being bitten again - which by some, could be interpreted as an imbalance of power. But does that make the little boy in this story a bully - at age three? Does this experience make Ryan a victim? 

I don't think so - for two reasons. 

(1) Our society, for a while, has been diligently working on pushing higher-order, developmental expectations into the realm of preschool and elementary school. One of the many difficulties with that model is that children need time to develop skills. All kind of skills. Academic, cognitive, physical, emotional - and social. Along with time - which seems hard enough for parents, teachers, and policymakers to give -  they need one other thing to become the people we want them to be. The space to fail.

I would posit that those same children need to be allowed the same room to fail at being a member of our social world. At being a friend, a classmate. They need to be given the space to hit, bite, tease, exclude, steal, chase, and taunt. They are allowed to misread cues from their friend; be unsympathetic - or even callous towards the needs of another; or be impulsive - over-excited in their play and unsure what to do with their body to stay in the game. They need to know what those experiences feel like - as a perpetrator and as a recipient -as a "bully" and as a "victim". 

Those valuable experiences allow children to know what it feels like to see a person cry from what you have done; to know the disappointment of not getting a turn; to feel embarrassment, shame, shock, sadness, isolation, anger, fear and yes, pain. When they know these feelings first hand AND are supported by the grown ups around them to express them and work on skills for doing better the next time -  then, and only then, will we be on our way to creating emotionally literate young adults who don't corner overweight, introverted girls in dead end hallways. Allowing young children to fail, while supporting them in developing the skills they need to assert themselves effectively when they are on the other end of a transgression, also would have been handy for the girl getting rocks thrown at her on her walk home. There are lessons to learn for everyone - and they are so important for creating the safe middle schools and high schools that our young adults deserve. 

And if we don't want these lessons to be learned in middle school and high school - where the stakes can be much, much higher and the adults may have less control, insight, and say - we have to let children learn them in preschool and elementary school. Not unchecked. Not without coaching and consequences. Not without structure and communication. But we have to let them fail somewhere.

(2) In the field of special education, you can't legally label a child with a disability if there is something environmental that could have caused the difficulty. So for instance, if the child hasn't been in school for two years, we can't say the child has a learning disability because we haven't tried to teach them yet. Makes sense - there is not something "wrong" with the child until we have tried to help in a variety of ways and we have found that typical interventions aren't working. 

Following this line of thought, I suggest the "bully" - or "victim" label -  isn't allowed to be trotted out until we have done significant work to try to help the children involved learn the social skills they need to be positive, proactive and safe members of a group. Significant means all the adults in those children's lives are working for both sides of the team. Adults who are rooting for the three year-old to stop biting and for Ryan to learn to move away from people who make him feel uncomfortable or to use his words when he is hurt. Teachers who work in schools that are well-staffed to support close supervision and are given in-depth training to respond effectively when children fail in their social skills. Parents who support the teachers in seeing the needs of the children - their own, and other people's - in failed social attempts, and don't just focus on what it takes for it never to happen again. Significant means we keep trying to teach the skills that these children need to learn - every day, in every classroom, in every home. We don't just work on this for a month or two, but we work on this throughout early childhood while giving kids the developmental time to grow and strengthen their skills.

Clayton R. Cook and co-authors from the University of California at Riverside examined 153 studies from the last 30 years looking at bullies and victims in schools. They consistently found that both bullies and victims both have poor social problem-solving skills. Let's take some of the effort we are pouring into children putting a red X in the yellow triangle and parroting the 26 letters of the alphabet - and teach them how to positively navigate the social world, using the failed attempts that surround us each day as teachers and parents of young children as opportunities.

When the children involved are young (not just the three year olds, but onward at least until age 9) and they haven't had significant support in developing positive social skills, I don't think we can throw down the "bully" card or shoulder someone with a "victim" label. We can be concerned. We can talk to teachers about next steps. We can make sure that our child is in a setting where children are consistently scaffolded into learning social skills. We can use these lessons to teach our own children about how to be a friend in our home. But we can't saddle them. Please. Not just yet.

*Identifying details have been changed to maintain confidentiality. Only the general scenario and the ages of the children in this story are real. 

The Messages We Send

If you are a worrier (like me) and your child is going to a new school next year, there are probably a number of thoughts circling around your mind right now. Will they make friends? Will they like their teacher? Will they be challenged? Will they be overwhelmed? The list - if you are a truly gifted worrier like myself - can be endless.

While there are hundreds of things to worry about before a transition happens, 95% of those things are  outside of our locus of control as parents. Truly. We can't see into the future and fix problems before they occur - but we can support children in the time when we are all waiting, waiting, waiting for school to start. Again, I don't know about you, but I need a positive place to direct my energy in the meantime, or my anxiety will rise - quickly. An activity that has supported me in the past during a big change in our family's life is crafting parenting messages.

Parenting messages are thoughts or ideas that I want to convey to my daughter (explicitly or implicitly) around an issue or a change coming up in our family - like changing to a new school. While I think this strategy can work in a variety of ways to support families, I find that I need to do three things to make it work for our family.

(1) Before Lily started Kindergarten, I wrote down what I wanted her to take away from this big change - what were the positive messages I wanted to send to her while supporting her in her worry and anxiety about changing from the school she had been in since she was 18 months old. I find that physically writing them down - instead of turning them over and over inside my head - help me to craft them more specifically and thoughtfully. But also, in the end, I have a list to refer to when I am feeling like I need to re-center myself - or *I* start to feel anxious around changes occurring in our family.

(2) Next, I listen. Sometimes - just sometimes - the worries we have for our children are not the worries that they have for themselves in a transition. I want to make sure that the messages I am creating support her in her feelings about change - rather than what my concerns are for her in her big transition.

Before Kindergarten, Lily and I had few heart-to-heart talks, and she expressed concern that she wouldn't see her friends or her teachers any more once she left her preschool. She also talked about not knowing anyone at her new school and not knowing what was going to happen there. She also worried that it would be too hard and the teacher would be upset with her for not knowing how to read already. Oh.

So, I started to create messages for what I hope her to take away from this experience of starting a new school - with her anxieties and needs in mind.  Here is where I started:

--We can always figure out ways to stay in touch with people who are important to us. 

--I  (Lily) am capable of change and my family will always be there to help me. 

--Change happens in my life and everyone else's life too. Everyone has different thoughts or worries when they try something, or go somewhere new. Everyone in your new class will have their own thoughts about starting Kindergarten and making new friends. 

--I (Lily) have made new friends before - and I can do it again. 

--School is for everyone. The teacher and your family will help you if things are too hard. 

The messages I created focused on normalization (change happens to everyone); support (grown-ups are here to help you when you are unsure); and competency (you are capable of managing this change). A good start, but then I gave a little thought to what I didn't want her to take away from this change in her life. Messages that I didn't want to send to her accidentally through our actions or our words, like:

--When I make friends somewhere, I can be moved away from them and never see them again. I wanted to give Lily a sense of control over seeing (or being in contact) with her friends and teachers - and so we talked about strategies she could employ when she missed her preschool. We listed ways of keeping in touch like writing a letter, scheduling play dates, and visiting her school in the fall - and supported her in following through with those ideas.

--Change is scary. So, deep down, this is something that can be true for me. I know this about myself, and I work hard on seeing change from other perspectives - like being exciting, exhilarating, or bringing new amazing people and experiences into one's world. I wanted to make sure my own anxieties about change didn't filter too much into Lily's world. I didn't want her to think, "Well, *MOM* is worried about this - so I definitely need to be!" I wanted to give her a sense of wonder and enthusiasm about change - on top of having a safe place to go when she was feeling anxious. I knew that to do this, I needed to keep my own "worry brain" in check and find good outlets for it (like tea with a friend, or a date night with my partner).

--Change is something that is outside my control and something I have to manage without help. While I was "forcing" Lily to go to Kindergarten, I wanted to make sure that Lily knew that her family would be there for her during this change and that we could work together on any problem that came up. I also wanted her to know that I would be open to her ideas about managing the change - like wearing her favorite princess costume on the first day of school. While that wasn't what I wanted her to wear (in part due to the large HOLE in the back), she said it would make her feel "like home" to wear it. Done.

She changed her mind, however, when we gave her a locket that had pictures of our family in it to wear on the first day of school. I swear I would have let her wear the holey dress though.

While supporting Lily in moving forward was important to me,  I also wanted to give her space to process the loss of her preschool. While some may feel this is an overstatement, I believe that moving schools is a loss for a child. They don't get to see their teachers every day; they don't have that cool block corner anymore; they don't get to make silly noises with their pal at snack anymore. It is a loss of daily routines, daily friendships, and their world as they know it. It is not a small change - and it is one that needs support and understanding from the grownups in their world. I wanted my actions to reflect that we were available to her to listen to her sadness, her anger, her worry. I didn't want our family to dismiss her concerns - I wanted us to be able to listen to them with empathy and understanding. 

(3) As a final step, I brainstormed how to send these messages in a way that wasn't overkill. Questions I asked were: What are the subtle ways we can include these messages in our summer plans? What books can we read to reinforce these messages? What family stories can we tell that support our successes with change? What space can we make to talk about this change in our busy lives? How do we support the processing of the loss of her preschool, while nurturing excitement about her next big step to Kindergarten? 

All of this is definitely tricky - and I feel like one (meaning, me) could definitely over do it - which may cause some children (read: mine) to shut down and not want to talk about it at all. Mostly, however, the list was there for me to read (and re-read) and support my day-to-day parenting. 


So, I don't mean to spoil the ending, but - she made it! Lily transitioned successfully to Kindergarten, and your kiddo will too. It will all pass by so quickly, but one of the things I am thankful for is that now I can reference that transition to Kindergarten in talking with Lily about other changes in her life. I get to use that story as a way of showing her past competence - illustrating her capacity to make it through something that is hard. I can reflect back with her about how nervous she was and about how, in the end,  Kindergarten was a wonderful experience filled with new teachers, new friends, new songs, and beautiful, glorious change. 

And you will too. 

Trouble at School? Start simple.

It has always been interesting to me that the simplest answers to problems are often times the last ones we consider. I blame the Internet. My weight difficulties - for example - are probably caused by thyroid problems, complex food allergies, and Montsanto's evil nature, rather than my twice-a-day Starbucks habit and my dislike for sweating.

The Internet, while it gives us so much amazing information, can also be the very same place that leads us astray. Leading us down the path of considering the unlikely root cause of problems, when the simple cause is the place to start. (My lovely and geeky husband would nod and say, "Yep. Occam's Razor.")

I have re-learned this lesson over and over again as a teacher. Does this child have undiagnosed ADHD? No...they are having to get up each day at 4 a.m. with their family and are exhausted at school and are acting...well, active...to stay awake. Does this child have undetected learning difficulties? No...they can't hear what I am saying due to having a chronic ear infection since last October.

Is your child having trouble in school? Before you google signs of ADHD or get references for local  educational therapists, start simple. No, more than simple. Start by asking questions about your child's foundation.*

(1) Is your child getting enough....sleep? Your school aged child should be getting somewhere between 10-12 hours of sleep a night, regularly, for optimal health. See the link above for information about how lack of sleep can impact your child at school but just think about you at work on a good night of sleep - and then you, at work, on a bad night of sleep. That is what it is like for your little one, except they don't have the self-regulation skills (or the caffeine access) to "power through" the day that grown ups do.

(2) Is your child getting enough...time with you? Often when I see children struggling in school, I will ask the parents about the quality time that the child is spending with you - the most important people in her world. Difficulties in school often come when changes in a child's access to you (or your partner) occur. Even a quick weekend out of town can have a surprising impact some children to the point of interfering with sleeping, eating, attention, or behavior. Here is an experiment to try: Track how much time your are spending with your child - when you are really interacting and present for them (car time doesn't count) for one week. Then the following week add in one hour of "special time" and note the positive change in your child's mood, attention, and behavior. You will be amazed at the results not for only for your child, but in how you feel about your parenting overall.

(3) Is your child getting enough....down time? If you are a Bay Area reader, I am going to answer this question for you and say no. They aren't. Between school, piano, soccer, Spanish, homework, play dates, and every club, tutor, and class you can think of they aren't getting enough time just to be themselves. Not only are there huge links to downtime and creativity, but there are those same links to down time and general well-being. We need to figure out how to carve out that important time for our kids as a society, but if your child is struggling in school, it is critical to take a good look at our expectations of that child throughout the week.


Looking at your child's calendar at what is necessary - really necessary (like school, eating, sleeping, time with family) -  and then thinking about what can we eliminate to support greater just-to-be-me time, as well as less transition and less travel time in the car. If your child is having a hard time at school, they are going to need this time - along with time with you - to process what is hard and recoup for the next school day.

If you are concerned about doing this, start slow. Take out one activity - the one that your child is the least excited about, or the one that really seems to cut into family time. See if freeing that time supports your child's focus and behavior at school - and move from there.

(4) Is your child eating...a balanced diet? In the spirit of full disclosure, my seven-year-old currently eats about five foods regularly, unless you count different types of candy and desserts as discrete options. This can be the toughest one of all. What are some of the key take aways around nutrition for kids that your teacher would like you to know?

• Don't let your child skip breakfast. Children who don't eat in the morning lose focus an hour into the school day. I've seen it - it isn't pretty.
• Please don't pack soda, chips, or candy in your child's lunch. Without you there, that is the only thing they will eat for lunch. Not anything else that you packed, no matter what you tell them. Most schools do not have the person-power to monitor what students eat, so pack well. 
• Speaking of packing well, you can pack them kale and spinach, but unless your child is out of the ordinary - they aren't going to eat it when you aren't there. I have been following this inspiring blog called "100 Days of Real Food" written by a mom who is walking (and writing about) the fine line of packing healthy food for her kids, but also packing food they will eat. Without a good lunch, students often lose steam about an hour after recess and end up slumped with their head on their desk - not ideal for learning.
• Protein helps with energy and focus. I have P-L-E-N-T-Y of struggles around this in my household since the only meat my daughter likes is bacon. However, there are other foods that provide protein (like nut butters, hard-boiled eggs, cheese etc.) and as a teacher, I noticed that the kids who had protein in their lunch were often more active and engaged in school in the afternoon. 

(5) Has your child had....a recent physical including a hearing and vision screening? (Were the tests inconclusive? Do you need to follow up with a specialist?) Check this out regularly. Difficulties with seeing and hearing (and general health) can have a huge impact a child's ability to succeed in their school work. One of the saddest (and happiest) days I experienced as a teacher was the day a mother of a little boy in my class for preschoolers with special needs told me that she found out her son's ears were blocked - which had prevented him from developing language and connecting with family and peers. After this little boy's ears were cleaned by his doctor, within weeks he went from being almost non-verbal to speaking in short phrases in our classroom. Even if you are pretty sure that your child's hearing or vision isn't the problem - it doesn't hurt to check. Your teacher will thank you.

This is what I mean about your child's foundation. These ideas are the core of what your child needs to be a good friend, a learner, and a positive family member. Any one of them can cause difficulties for your child.  What is amazingly powerful about starting here - and giving your child's physical and emotional health the focus it needs - is that these are all aspects of your child's life that you can positively or proactively influence as a parent.

Simple is the place to start - the Internet can wait for a couple of weeks.

*Note: In searching the internet :) I found an interesting article from Daniel Siegal about the "Healthy Mind Platter" talking about many of these same concepts as a way of looking at our children's day and how we are developing mentally healthy human beings under our care.  Interesting reading!

Decisions

School decisions for next year are right around the corner. Lottery bids will be sent to homes, phone calls from schools accepting your kids will be made....all in the next few weeks. 

While I feel like this is a great time to take a look at how you are feeling about your choices, I also wanted to share a bit about how I approach big decisions like this. I have a set of four beliefs that support me in making the best decision I can make during important moments in my life - by releasing me from the stress that surrounds most of my decision making like a destructive tornado. Sometimes I repeat these beliefs, over and over, to help me calm down and see the situation clearly. I hope they help you as well - especially until those acceptance letters come in the mail. 

(1) There isn't a perfect decision. No. Really. There isn't one. Cross my heart. We can only do our best with our given information, our given energy, and our given situation at any one moment in time. Release your guilt here - shush the voice inside your head that says that you should have seen one more school, or gone to another information night. That screams that you didn't look at nearly as many schools as Suzie's mom did. Tell that voice to go find someone else to bother - perhaps Suzie's mother....:) 

You have done what you can to make a good decision for your child. You have done the best you could - that that is more than good enough. (And, let's be honest, more than our families probably did for us back in the day. :)) Even if you had seen 20, 40...100 schools - you still couldn't guarantee that the decision you made is the "best" one. It is simply the best you could do with that information. Let go of any guilt, any nagging feeling, any fear - those voices, those emotions will not help you in the end. They will only cloud your decision making clarity when the big day arrives. 

(2) All decisions can be changed. This is what got me through signing the mortgage on our home. As I signed all hundred pieces of paper, I breathed in and out, and mouthed quietly, "We can sell the house if we can't afford it. We can sell the house if we can't afford it" until I was finished. And it is true. We *could* have sold our house - if we had to. We could have changed our decision if things weren't working as we planned. 

Would that have been easy? No. 

Would that have been stressful? Yes.

Hard on our daughter? Yes.

Difficult to lose the house - or the money? Yep. 

But could we have done it if we had to? Absolutely.

Pretty much all decisions can be changed (or at least, repaired) down the road. We have the strength and the ability to change lanes if the traffic flow requires it. You (and your child) can change schools if it doesn't work out. Now, is this ideal? No. But life isn't really ideal...and the non-ideal stuff? It teaches us an awful lot. Tell the voices in your head to be quiet - that if you need to, you can fix any problem that arises. You are that strong - I know you are. And your kid is too, by the way.

(3) Decisions are both intellectual and emotional. While I am sure this belief will have a variety of reactions from different types of decision makers (a.k.a my husband - the intellectual decision maker in the family vs. my mom, the emotional decision maker), I really believe that good decision making takes plays from both playbooks. Thinking deeply about your educational priorities and whether the schools you applied to match those priorities - is a great use of your intellectual decision maker in your family. Set him (or her) to work, making the charts and graphs, the pro and con list, listing out the hard information you have about each school. 

Sorting and processing your "gut instincts" about different schools and how you see your child and your family fitting in there - that is a perfect place for your emotional processor (a.k.a my mom, or your family's equivalent) to weigh into the process.  Sit down with her (or him). Have some tea and sift through your experiences, your feelings, your fears. Both types of information have a place in this decision. Make space for them both in your discussions about which school would be the best fit for your family. 

(4) There will always be multiple, unknown factors in a decision. I call them "what ifs". What if the math program isn't as good as we thought and our child gets bored in class? What if we can't afford the tuition of that school past second grade? What if the school is too far from our home and our child doesn't make any neighborhood friends? (I can keep at this for awhile. I am *really* good at this game.)

These what ifs are a huge part of my daily discussions with clients. I listen carefully to them - I do. These what ifs are important to name - to say out loud so that they aren't swimming around like sharks inside your head. When they ask me what I think - to participate in the "what if" game professionally - I am gentle. I am soothing. And I calmly say that if I could answer that question, I would get paid much more money - because I would be predicting the future. No one, I remind them, can predict the future. Not an educational consultant, not Berkeley Parents Network, not a mother or a father - not even as much as we deeply would like to protect our child from the what if from coming to pass. 

We can gather key information around our what ifs. We can watch the math program in action at our school of choice; we can call up a financial planner to talk about money for tuition; we can talk to other families at our favorite school about how people from outside the neighborhood make friends. Doing those things might help quiet the voices of doubt, or might give us another way of looking at the "what if". Great - but even with this extra effort, you will not be able to control future outcomes. The math program may be fantastic - but your kid might not like it. You might plan for tuition - and then have a second baby. You might move into the neighborhood of your school when a great house comes up for sale. Lots of things could happen - bad AND good.  

So don't get stuck here. List your what ifs. Write down what you can proactively do to gather information. Do those things. Then clear your head and move on. Release yourself from the stranglehold of the future. You have done what you can do...because there is no perfect decision to be made (remember #1?)....and luckily, if the what if comes to pass, you can always change your decision (#2). 

I wish you best in the upcoming weeks!

"We can't control all life, but what we can do is look ahead and dictate where we go next."  

- Demi Lovato

The Perfect Teacher

This is a topic that I have been rattling around in my head for awhile - about 10 years, give or take a few.  In case you hadn't noticed, we expect a lot of our teachers. (And our schools - but that is a topic for another day.) As parents and community members we want our teachers to:

• Teach children everything they need to know - including reading, writing, math, social studies, science, technology, music, art, culture, philosophy, critical thinking - and the list goes on and on depending on who you talk to. 
• Give them opportunities to discover their passions - and help them grow in their abilities.
• Have engaging, fun, learning material for every child, every lesson, every day of the school year
• With the perfect balance of creativity and structure
• And to create these lessons with as little money as possible
• Keep children safe - at all times - emotionally and physically.
•  Emotionally support children and families through all life stresses that could by impacting them at school - like divorce, homelessness, parent unemployment, poverty, and loss of a loved one.
  
• Teach kids how to interact positively with peers - no matter who the peer is. 
• Motivate our students to contribute positively to their communities. 
• Connect personally with each one of our students and their families. 
• Communicate effectively and frequently so families can stay informed. 
• Be positive, cheerful and upbeat throughout the school day - every day
• Even though often teachers' jobs are in jeopardy due to budget difficulties.
• Not to miss school very often - children don't learn well with substitutes.
• Identify children with special needs as soon as possible, modify our curriculum to meet their needs, and link them to services that can help.
• Teach parents about how to support their children in their academic success - and how to interact positively with their kids.
• Proactively link families in need to other organizations that can help them - while providing a listening ear and specialized support at school. 

And this is the abbreviated list. And I don't think I am the only one.

As most of you who read this blog know, I was a teacher for a long time before starting my business. And to tell you the truth, I miss teaching pretty much every day. However, the more distance I get from my old profession, the more I have been able to crystallize why I left teaching. It is simply this - I cracked under the pressure. I internalized all these expectations that I felt daily having little faces looking up at me and parents peering through my classroom door window. I wanted to do all those things - I wanted to be a perfect teacher for those wonderful people and their amazing children. And then reality hit.

No matter how hard I worked, no matter how talented, or kind, or creative I was - I was not perfect. There were some children I had trouble helping. There were some families I had trouble connecting to. There were some nights I didn't want to work on creating the perfect lesson plan or answering another email - I wanted to play with my little girl or watch a movie. The daily constant pressures to be everything to everyone - real and imagined - were too much for me.

Several years of therapy later....I have some distance on this issue. With some help, I realized that to expect perfection, of anyone, is not realistic. Do you know a perfect person? I don't - but yet many people expect that from their child's teachers - granted, not necessarily on a conscious level - but the expectation is there all the same.

When working with people on finding a school, I often - almost always - hear about the qualities they would like in a teacher. Kind. Nurturing. Inspiring. Dramatic. Organized. Smart. Communicative. Structured. Creative. Excited about science. Thrilled about math. Artistic. Sees each child as unique and special. These are all wonderful qualities - and ones that many teachers have. But no one has them all, everyday, all year long, in sickness and in health, for every child. No one.

Now, I know why people have such high expectations for their child's teacher. We want the best for our children. We want to protect our children. We want the world to be available to them when they graduate from school. We love them - and so we want perfect.

But there is no perfect teacher. Say it with me. There IS no perfect person - and that includes teachers. People are wonderful works in progress.  You are. I am. Your child - his friends - they are too. And your child's teacher - that includes them too.

So, when I talk with clients about this, I often see nods, acceptance in their eyes, mixed with a little sadness. They say they know - because they do - and then ask how do they make sure their child gets what they need without relying on the perfect teacher.

Here is what I tell them:

Look for a school environment that promotes teachers being their best selves as often as they can.

This could include:

 (1) Supportive and continued professional development for teachers in their classroom and outside school walls so they can continue to learn and develop their skills. This could be simply giving teachers consistent time to collaborate with one another - to share ideas and to help each other in developing their craft. Or bringing in support for teachers in developing one curricular area each year. Be wary of schools that bring in consultants for reading, writing, and math in one year which may overload a teacher and not enable them to develop mastery with the new skills being presented.

 (2) A principal or head of school who not only has experience as a teacher, but spends time in the classroom setting supporting and observing teachers - providing them positive and constructive feedback. Note positive interactions you see between the principal and teachers at the school - having a principal who intimidates staff does not support a dynamic, positive learning environment for adults, or children.

 (3) A positive work environment - this could include an active PTA that supports teachers by organizing classroom volunteers and other supports - like teacher appreciation lunches or classroom supplies. A school that builds in time and space for teachers to take breaks - like having lunch with colleagues in the staff room, or having a rotating schedule for recess duty so teachers aren't "on" all the time throughout the day. A workplace that has extra staff on hand to support teachers in supporting students like learning specialists, school psychologists, teaching assistants, even school nurses who can assist teachers in not having to do it all every day.

Note: This includes how the parents and staff at the school talk about each other. Is there a sense of community and collaboration around supporting students from teachers and families - or more of a feeling of "us vs. them"? A positive work environment for teachers includes parent support.


As you are looking at schools this season, look at the environment from the perspective of the teacher. Would you want to work at the school you are considering all day long? Why? Why not? Better yet - ask them if they like working there. What do they like? What is difficult? The answers won't help you find a perfect teacher - or a perfect school - but they might help you find a solid community for you and your family.

Postscript: Today's blog is dedicated to teacher Vicki Soto, who gave her life to protect her students at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I know you weren't a perfect person - none of us are - but you are my hero. May you rest in peace. 

Guest lecture at MCPC December 5th!

MCPC Bridge K Info Night

Plus guest lecture by Theresa Lozach of

Beyond Quality Consultants

www.theresalozach.com

Wednesday, December 5^th, 7-9 PM

Do Not Miss this free talk on the decisions facing parents of children approaching kindergarten age!  Theresa offers guidance in understanding the choices.

“We strive to support all families in finding a ‘best fit’ to promote your child’s immediate success within their first—and most important—educational setting.”

More information about our programs at:

www.mcpckids.org

510-339-7213

5815 Thornhill Drive, Oakland, CA 94611

IEP Tips for Families

Part of what I do in my business is support families through the special education process - helping families through meetings with schools and districts to determine what is the best plan for their child with special needs. This can be a very stressful time for families, and I often give this advice to my clients before going into a meeting - and I thought I would pass it along to all of you. They are six simple things you can do to help your IEP go smoothly. 

Remember: 

• You are a full member of the IEP team. This is your child - and special education law is designed to give you a leading role in your child’s education. The district cannot make any changes or implement any plan without advance notice, and often, your written consent. DO NOT give your written consent unless you are sure that the plan is a good one and that it is documented in a clear way in the paperwork. 

• Listen deeply and ask questions. Try to understand people’s perspectives as much as possible by listening, taking notes, and asking questions. The more you understand their perspective, the more involved of a team member you can be. There is no stupid question and everything that is said by a professional should be explained in a way that you can understand. That is a part of their job. 

• Keep calm and expect the best. The vast majority of people who work in special education are there to support children and families. People often have the best intentions. If someone says something that you disagree with, take a deep breath and say, “That is interesting, because that is different than what I have noticed. Can you tell me more about that?” Clear communication often helps 95% of disagreements be resolved in a positive way. Yelling or name calling is the quickest way to destroy a relationship with people who work with your child - and that is not what you want to do if you can avoid it.

•  Make room for what is important to you. Be sure that if you have three questions - or have two things you would like to say - that you prepare them in advance and bring them with you to the meeting so you don’t lose track. Also, tell the IEP chair (generally the special education teacher or the program specialist) before the meeting that you have questions and ask them where on the agenda they would best fit. I often prepare a "suggested agenda" for the meeting to share with the IEP chair (before the meeting) to structure the meeting to address the client's primary concerns - which many people view as helpful because then they can come prepared to the meeting having thought about the questions and having complete answers.  No matter what you do, take an active role in asserting what you feel the team needs to understand about your child.

• Tape record the meeting. It is your right to tape record as long as you give the IEP chair 48 hours notice in advance that you are doing so. Tape recording allows you to have a word-for-word copy of what was said at the meeting to review if you are feeling confused or wanting more clarification - and can support your documentation down the road if needed. While tape recording can have the unintended effect of making people nervous or defensive, making a little joke about it as you are turning on the recorder about your bad memory always helps. 

• Get a copy of all paperwork (signed or unsigned), read it until you understand it, and organize it - always. In special education, the paperwork holds all the power. If the paperwork doesn’t reflect what was said in the meeting the district does not have to follow through with “understandings” at the meeting - even if they have the best intentions to do so. Staff and circumstances change - but paperwork doesn’t. If it is documented in the IEP, no matter who is in charge, they have to follow through.  Understand what you are signing (or not signing) and organize it as you go so you can access it whenever you need it - instead of rustling through a stack of papers whenever you have a question.

Do you have any IEP tips to pass on to readers? Comment below!